Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

It's Been a Spell

Everything goes fine. It goes along with no great change, so I'm good with it.

I was really wrong about a lot of things the past 20 years. It's like I got medicated right to see through the delusions. You've been reading the mad rantings of a schizophrenic at assorted medication soups. Most of you know this. Others have assumed it. I'm broken, and so are the thoughts and words of the past 20 years.

Don't get me wrong with the "20 years" stuff. I'm not old. I stopped growing up emotionally and fashionably, and musically some time before that 20 years hit. I stopped developing when the illness started to take over. I remember some fucked up delusions from one of my high schools.

So now I have that giant duffel bag of memories of the time wasted, things not realized. I want to either bury it in the desert or burn it all and scatter the ashes.

I don't want a do-over. I couldn't promise myself I would make the choices that get me to Doc. I want to get ECT again. I won't. It's too unpredictable. I lost some stuff last time that I really wanted to keep and it seems to have brought these other thoughts to the front of the queue.

I've been listening either to Depeche Mode and Pink. I have so many memories to DM that I just kind of get lost in their music and wander the jungle of my brain. Yes, there is a jungle in there, a beach too (see: Happy Place, Rehoboth Beach). The jungle I mostly leave alone. But with the guidance of the music, I go in there and wander and scavenge mental photographs of parts and leave other parts to their weirdness.

Pink just makes me feel empowered. And I like that feeling.

Speaking of feeling, when I laugh or smile at something, a joke, a person, whatever, I feel this tingle in my tummy. I don't know what it is, but I like it. If I laugh too hard, it gets a bit overwhelming and I have to lay back until it passes. Does everyone feel this? Is that why people like to laugh so much? Curiouser and curiouser.
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