Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

Giving Up on Verbalization

I think I'm going to save my voice. Permanently. Use it only for singing and "speaking" professionally. No more phone. No more small talk. No more conversation.

I've spent the past four hours in a one-sided game of charades with Doc. I can't talk. My tongue is so cut up and fucked up and swollen that it is impossible. I scream if I try, and that makes me scream again, and on it goes until I can clamp my hand over my mouth. It is a fucking mess.

So, with body language (rather more complex than I thought I was capable of) and use of Word with a big font, we have kind of been communicating. And at this point, we are not speaking, I am watching Rocket, and he is listening to music on his headphones.

Really, not much different than if I could talk. And it really is a relief not to have to respond to every sound another person makes. I like it. There's really nothing that I need to communicate to him that I can't text. I see no point in continuing to talk conversationally. It's a bother, and it doesn't simplify things.

I'll just be one of those eccentric artists that you can't speak to. Has there ever been one of those? One that communicates entirely by print, but makes their living being vocal? I think that is where I am going to be. It's comfortable here, in silence. There's more room for other shit.

I discovered today that I have been lied to. Every motherfucker who ever played "jazz" for me was playing "jazz fusion." Today I learned that jazz is really the genre I have always loved but never had a name for. Sometimes I've called it "big band music" or "MGM musical music," but I just never realized that is is really the true meaning of jazz. So fuck all those fuckers who played me that fusion shit. I hated it and was unable to identify a genre I loved because of you. You shallow dicks. Music history from college students. Bah.

Deniz wants to do a fusion thing . . . punk/art rock. I am interested, very, especially because he envisions my spoken word as part of it, but I am afraid we might create a beast like jazz fusion and unleash it on an unsuspecting world and forever mar it. Then there's this . . . I sent him the video I just made of the Reza song, that they put "From the Vicious to the Rotten" to, and he listened to it, and then asked me who was doing the speaking. Now, he had just spent an hour on the phone with me the day before, how did he not recognize it was me? Has my speaking changed that much since I made the recording because of my teeth being gone? What if I can't perform right? I mean, I know I can't right now, but when it comes time . . . what if my speaking is damaged because of the teeth and I can't get back into form until I come up with the 20k to get implants (dental insurance, my ass)?

I wanted to ask Doc about it, but he is being "left alone" today. So I can't get an answer. I want to know before I respond to him, to avoid an awkward situation for myself. Basically, I don't want to be embarrassed.

Can I ask a favor of your time? Could you put your headphones on and go listen to a couple of things and compare (as best possible, I know the quality vastly differs) my pronunciation and general understandability? I just want to know if there is a big difference between the way I speak now, and the way I did in that recording, have I lost something? Is my conversational voice that different from my "speaking" voice? If that's it, I'm cool. But, either way, I need to know before I take Deniz any further with this. If I can't perform, there is less point. I will not lose interest in the project, I will write for others, but I would lose some of my enthusiasm, and really need to find a new direction to go. If my speaking is lost, it's time to move on. I need to know.

Here is the link to the song he heard: https://youtu.be/olfnfvBYvQ8 (I so love this song, and the mix, it sounds meant to be) and here is a link to a new video of me just talking like I do to Deniz on the phone: https://youtu.be/mfUlsSyL6ro. Again, I know the quality differs, but is there a difference? It's just, maybe no one has listened to them both carefully before (the people who did the remixing never heard my conversational voice), so no one has ever pointed out that they are different. I DON'T KNOW! Help?

Really looking forward to some responses here. Even if you don't know me well, if you are new to the scene. It's cool. I want all opinions. This is important, this is one of my potential futures, and one that I am particularly fond of.
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