Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

TL;dr: new gel pens-good; marriage-not my thing

"The isolation is making me worse."

"I've wondered about that. But I can't think of any group where you would be accepted, except . . ."

"I'm not going to a schizophrenia day group. I am scared of sick people, and I won't be around them."

"You really need to unload the self-loathing."

I ordered some gel pens at the beginning of July. They finally got here yesterday. I was lucky to find them. They are made in the UK, but more inexpensive than the popular Japanese stationary lines with gel pen sets that are out, so they are really popular in Asia and Europe. They were on back order for the longest time. I was wary of buying them because a few years ago I spent an insane amount of money on gel pen sets that dried out a few days to a few weeks after purchase. But I read so many reviews of these. They come in 60 colors, including glitter, and neon and pastels, and each pen comes with a capped refill. So I could color.

So I picked out my two favorite coloring pages that I had printed out. A Day of the Dead candy skull, and an intricate zentangled illustration of a fox in a flowery forest. I went with the skull first, to get some bright color into my day. I took all of my pens and pages over to the sliding glass door and spread out on the floor to color.

Oh, the pens are wonderful! You just have no idea! Smooth as an artist's pen, but with vibrant color instead of just black.

Doc and I talked really openly about the divorce today. If we look forward to our wedding anniversaries, it makes us feel dread. The bonds that come with the social construct of marriage is just not conducive to our personalities. We have been trying to fit into a mold that is too small for us, or too oddly shaped, or too something. But if I look forward to signing the divorce papers, I can suddenly envision us hiking in the redwoods at 80, holding hands. Not because we are so romantic and in love, but to help each other along the uneven path. There has to be a reason for these things. You don't honor and cherish because of some vague vow. You honor and cherish because you are honored and cherished. That's how real love works. There is tangible give and take, as with any successful human interaction. The concept of love is not immune to this law just because it has hearts and flowers and diamonds attached to it.

Too many things, emotionally speaking, are expected of people when they "fall in love." Unrealistic compromises are suddenly not only on the table, but become demands. Things that single adults are responsible for themselves become unspoken burdens of the "one you love." Lies become truths because no one can reveal everything, and resentments are built. Boundaries are blurred and often intermingle.

I don't actually think that I'm saying these are bad things for everyone. For a lot of people, this clearly works. But think about how low the divorce rates were when marriages were based on practical things, other than chemical reactions in the brain. When there was give and take, people were able to work with each other much better, for much longer. And they were usually better for society because of the cooperation they had at home.

Now, think of modern day. The story of Aladdin, Jasmine simply cannot marry for alliance, she is not in love, has never been in love, but must sacrifice family and face for this obscure and intangible concept of love. So she gets her love, but . . . but, Aladdin is made a prince and she fulfills her place in the kingdom, anyway. But without the responsibility, duty, honor, agreement, cooperation. And did they really live happily ever after? I mean, Aladdin was a pretty shallow guy. How many kids can she have before he returns to the market to shop? There is nothing tying them together but a vague idea based on physical reactions to stimuli. If that stimuli fails to stimulate, doesn't matter how many hearts and flowers there are, the marriage is over. And what was the point?

It's all so confused in my brain. I'm sorry. I know what I want to say, but I can't seem to make it make sense and not sound heartless. I'm waiting on my meds from the dispensary to close the curtain on the stage of chaos that is my brain. Of course, I love Doc. But I don't know how to quantify that, other than, I am concerned about him, want him to be happy, am physically attracted to him twice a year, would be lost without him, and consider him my best friend. But I feel the same way about the pets, aside from the physical attraction.

There is a very strong bond holding us together as a team to conquer the world. But it is being ripped apart by the barbed wire of this thing we call "marriage." And I won't have it anymore. I have gotten to the point where I have long bouts of apathy about Doc. And this concerns me. I never, ever wanted to lack feelings toward him. Even in the heat of hate, there is the reassurance that it is somehow connected to love. But this apathy scares me. He is my best friend. I don't want to lose him.

I know all sides of him, even the really grotesque ones. And he knows, far too well, all sides of me. If 20 years has taught us nothing else, it is that we are somehow linked in our souls. Maybe we have lived forever and always been connected as brother and sister or father and child, and this is the first incarnation where we are dealing with physicality, and that is what is cosmically fucking us up. I don't know. But we are peas in a pod. So much alike, we can't even face it. So different, every conversation is an adventure. Not always a happy adventure, but an adventure.
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