I let so many ideas just go this week. I didn't compulsively write down every idea that came into my head. I waited, let things stew for a week, saw what rose to the surface, what stuck with me. Those are the ideas I will be acting on this week.
I thought I self-sabotaged my way out of the band, but it turns out they are really busy with their day jobs. Which is a huge relief. Wasn't quite ready to give up on those daydreams. We all just have to get together. The music they send me is great. One of the songs in particular, they call it an "anthem", I call it punk. It's an intense, driving, screaming, growling song with great, heavy hitting lyrics. I can't wait to wail it on stage.
Maybe I'll take some photos with my guitar today. I need a couple more pictures for the website.
The website. Construction on that has come to a screaming halt. I bought a program to help me with the CSS coding of the site, to greatly enhance it and get rid of a lot of graphic elements that slow it down. But I can't use the integrated software with my webhost. I put in a request to see if the issue could be fixed over a week ago, haven't heard back. And I'm getting anxious, my license on the software is timed. So I'm starting to think that they can't do what I want, which I understand, it's a security setting, I think. But, bottom line is that I need to find a new webhost for my three current sites and my two other future sites. I need this software to realize my websites the way they should be, finally. After almost 20 years, I can finally do what I have been envisioning all of this time. Waiting a bit longer for it seems like hell. Oh, and what I could do with the band's site! It will be the best rock site on the web!
D says he wants to be really fan oriented. I am all about that. Setting up a message board on the site will be a start of that. Giving our fans video and audio of rehearsals and load ins and travel will be another part of that. We'll set up a FB page and do the live streaming thing from shows and after-parties and practices. I will take the example set by Amanda Palmer for dealing with fans, and treasure each one of them. I'm so glad I didn't piss away this opportunity. You just don't know how despondent I was before I got the email from D on Friday.
Oh, wow. I just discovered the joy that is laying my head down on the glass topped coffee table. Oh, nice. My cheek is chilled. Wow, that feels good. I think I have a fever. Which isn't unusual, I have been running a low grade fever since around February. I assume it is because of my medication, the one that I am currently taking. I should have my other meds back this week, finally. But the meds mess with my internal thermostat. I'm never comfortable, I'm always too hot or too cold. I err on the side of cold, because I am less homicidal when I am cold.
I was reading an artical on mental illness and they mentioned coming to terms with doing bad things when we're out sick. And that is something I really need to do. I need to accept that I am not always a good person. I do hurtful things, rash things, when I am out sick. I lash out at the people I care about. I lost a lot of friends during this last meltdown. And mostly because I threw them away. I just got so sick of everything and everyone. I just culled. I'm not a nice person when I am sick. I do bad things. I need to accept that. It isn't something that I can control (aside from going to therapy and taking my meds), it happens when I spin out of control and no longer have my free agency, my brain takes over and does shitty things. But that is me, and if I can't stop it, I need to take responsibility for it, and accept it as a part of me that, while ugly, is as integral as the other parts of me. I can try to resolve some of the things that trigger me, as a proactive way of stopping things from spinning out of control. But it is something I need to be aware of.