Dear Diary,
I am so soul-weary. My new policy of stay positive and repress the bad and keep a smile on my face, no matter what, is draining me psychically. All of Doc’s nastiness, disregard, broken promises . . . I just smile, help him make excuses for himself, and swallow it. The same with the world. I try, while keeping the smile on my face, to deal with people’s ignorance and nastiness. I swallow it.
And I am beyond ready to puke. But I can’t. I accidentally let my “smile voice” down for a moment on the phone with Doc just now, and he started a whole big deal about it and hung up on me, so I have, in an instant of weakness, destroyed the next 5 hours of my life. So I’m trying to get myself back together so the smile is pasted back on my face by the time he gets home in a half an hour. I can’t ever let him know that he has done something wrong. His ego is far too fragile for that. I have learned that over the past few months. Do no criticize him in any way, to any extent. It causes him at turns to withdraw and lash out.
I spent the evening cleaning up after him and doing his laundry. Why he didn’t do it when he took an unpaid day off from work yesterday baffles me, but I guess he was too busy playing on the computer when I needed it to do work.
He lashed out at me for selling my VHS collection. But right before that, he grilled me about why my shop has made no sales yet. So what am I supposed to do? I am working my ass off to try to legally bring cash in, so he can continue to take two unpaid days a week off, in addition to weekends, while still affording my doctor and meds. I spend my days digging through my toys and collectibles and doing ebay research to figure out what I can possibly sell to make some money. As it stands, I am out of meds and can’t go back to the doctor until I come up with $600. That’s most of my monthly check, so I have to find another way to make the cash. If I don’t, he is going to have to radically alter his attitudes and work ethic and go back to work full time, but practically, I don’t see that happening. He has expressed to me many times over the last few months that he is not going to change one single thing about himself, and I have no right to ask.
And this isn’t just a one-time thing. I get now that he is going to use the FMLA excused, unpaid absenses to stay at home and play on the computer and sleep. So I am scrambling to find ways to bring money in to support myself. And I am still not allowed to go out and get a job. I wanted to apply at the corner store, they are hiring, but he nixed that idea, saying that I am not stable enough and he doesn’t want me alone and responsible for a store, in case something happens (which actually is why I’m on disability in the first place, so I can’t really argue with him).