Ugh! Some complete douchnozzle just tried to initiate internet sex with me based on a picture of me sucking my thumb!!! Fucking gross, sick, disgusting, putrid, repulsive!!! I need a fucking shower now! Oh, that is so out of bounds. So completely beyond the pale. I just can’t believe men. I just fucking can’t. Women don’t do that shit. Or, if they do, they don’t do it to me. God, I am so grossed out, I can’t even express it. The thesaurus, hell, existing language is not adequate to describe how creeped out I am right now.
I totally forgot what I was going to write about. That just just speed bumped my day. Fucking creep.
I expressed to Doc that I feel guilty about how good things have been for me this year, compared with how shit they have been for him. And how I’m struggling with guilt and shame over it because I kind of feel (delusion warning) like I made it happen because I decided to change the status quo. I was hoping for some reassurance. I was hoping for . . . some comfort and confidence that my good fortune is not causing his bad fortune. Because while it seems silly to me right now, it is a very real thing I am trying to work through. He said, “I don’t know what to do with that.” And that was that. So, um, thanks, or whatever.
I think the reason I keep spinning around is that I’m looking for someone to lean on if things get bad. Or just to reach a hand out to. I think that’s it. Or a part of it.
I’m only on half doses of my meds right now because reasons, and I’m doing pretty good. No hallucinations, a little delusion, but not much. No depression, no PMS, which is really surprising. I’ll be glad when I get my pills filled, but for now I’m doing okay. At least I’m not stressing out about it. I’m actually pretty relaxed about it. I have my Xanax, so I can always knock myself down if I have to.
Yeah, that thumb guy totally threw me off my game. I can’t remember what I was going to write about. I think I’ll close this window for a while and try again later. I have to go trim the plants. It’s gardening time. I have neglected them for the last three days, only watering and feeding. But there is some pruning that needs to be done and some emptying of water trays. I’m in this domestic mode right now, I have no inspiration to work, just to do things around the house. This place is so dusted and vacuumed and scrubbed.
I miss Lilliane. I need to call or text her. She has a nice voice, I don’t mind being on the phone with her like I do with everyone else but Kelli. They are my only two phone people. I can’t call her tonight, she’s at work. Blah.