Dear Diary, I'm Your Cherry Bomb

Dear Diary,

Okay, I’m ready for Doc to get home. We are not going to fight. I am not going to start in on him, I am not going to let him get to me. I am going to let him have his feelings and release them. Everything is going to be fine. He gets that I’m ready to pack my shit and go. I think now that that is out in the open, things will be better. For me, at least, Dear diary it will be easier to keep calm and not let him make me react to him negatively. For him, it has to suck. I’m sorry about that, but it has to be this way. He doesn’t understand until I say I’m leaving, and I don’t say I’m leaving unless I am prepared to. So, it’s 9:30, and I’m ready for Doc to get home.

He Ubered to work today, so he will be home very soon after work tonight. He’s getting a ride with a friend. I don’t know if he is bringing her in to hang out, that would be cool, but I don’t know her, so I don’t know if Doc wants to mix work and home. I’m cool either way.

I was sitting and having a cigarette and came up with this theory that Fonzie secretly listened to jazz, dated black women, and hung out at jazz clubs smoking a lot of weed, which is why he was so cool. I don’t think Chachi knew anything about it, he grew up to be a republican, after all. It was very detailed. Those medicinal cookies we got are good. I have to get the recipe for the butter. No harsh flavor at all, and I’ve been nibbling one all afternoon and evening.

I’ve only been out once today, and that was at sunset. I got no sun at all. I only get ten minutes a day, but I miss it when I don’t get it. It was coldish and super windy. Spring. Apparently summer will be here this week with temps in the 90’s. I’m pretty happy about that.

I watched Guardians of the Galaxy again today. Doc somehow got me the soundtrack, “Awesome Mix 1”. I actually put a copy of it on tape. I have a working tape deck on my stereo in the studio. I also have it on CD now, but I thought it would be cool to have an actual cassette tape. And I’m listening to it, as you may have surmised from the title of the Dear diary entry. I have to get the comics now. I wonder if the old issues are available in graphic novels, so I don’t have to go collecting all over the place. I used to collect “dark” comics. They all turned out worthless, except the Gaiman stuff, which I will never give up. And I always hated conventional super hero comics, but I like Guardians because it seems plausible to me. The mythology of it fits nicely with things I believe in and like. Most superheroes are completely unrelate-able to me.

But Rocket and Groot get me, and I get them. Rocket didn’t ask to be what he is, and Groot is amazing, but unable to communicate with most beings. Except Rocket. It’s me and Kelli all over. And Doc is Quill, keeping us from fucking up the universe. And providing a ship and a purpose.

I’m waiting to get published again. Did I mention that yet? The story I submitted is being worked on. It should be up this week or next. I’m still looking for a place for my poem. There’s a really cool zine I just ordered because Ana’s art is featured in it, and they do poetry. I’m wondering about zines, now. So, I’m going to look around. It would be nice to get some paper exposure again. It’s been a decade and a half since I was published in print. Kind of time to go back to that, and zines are the print periodicals of the future. And, most importantly, of the now. The only problem with print publishing, is you need to actually buy copies of the zines to check them out and see if you are a fit. You get exposure to a lot of stuff that way, believe me, it’s great. I still go through my collection and read voraciously, but it gets costly.

Not as costly and time consuming as curating your own zine, though. So, really, what am I bitching about?

Okay, so it freaks Chewbacca out when I dance. Funny, most people like my dancing. I can keep a beat. Maybe he has no appreciation for rhythm.

Major and Boo were both watching the movie with me today. Just wait until I show Boo “Xanadu”, she will die. She likes explosions, Major loves them. But Boo has a soft spot for the musical. We watched “White Christmas” together so many times over the holidays. She curls up on my lap like she’s asleep, and stares wide-eyed at the TV, her ears twitching. Major just sits on the floor in front of the sideboard and looks up at the TV. Major also likes Spongebob, but he doesn’t get to see that often because his mommy is mean. I give them plenty of explosions, though. It seems like almost everything we watch, some shit blows up.

Chewbacca has no appreciation of technology. He’s just, as Doc says, a dumb dog. He won’t learn “kisses”! It’s been almost two years. He will only learn what Doc and the cats teach him. With me, it’s all instinct. My tone of voice, my movements, whether I’m shaking or not. Though he stays away from the tremors. The cats try to soothe me when I’m bouncing about, but not Chewy, he doesn’t like the unpredictability of the movement. He is just a little terrier, after all. I don’t expect him to be super strong dog. But, he could learn “kisses”. He does it often enough.

I had to kick Simon and Felix out into the winds because they wouldn’t stop trying to eat Boo’s food. Now she’s eating very slowly while they wait at the door. To add insult to injury, we have the security gate closed, as well. So Felix is between that and the sliding glass door. He’s all hunkered down like he’s freezing. It’s 67 out. And he’s out of the winds and breezes. Silly cat-head.

Turns out I didn’t have to tell the creepy guy to stop being creepy. Either R told him to knock it off, or he just did on his own because I’m not his type or something. Or maybe he almost fell off the roof sitting perched there in a lawn chair on the peak, sucking down beers and decided to stay the fuck indoors. Or on the ground behind the nice cinder block wall.

Doc had one job last night. Get me Ensure for meal/med times. He went to the store. Walked down the aisle, and got me Gatorade. Which I appreciate, of course, it was a nice break from water today. But no Ensure. So I had scrambled eggs and sausages for med time. Underseasoned. Stale bread. Great sausages. I have more of those for tomorrow, in case I get stuck with yogurt for my meal and need something to bulk up the calorie count. Silly Doc-head.

In case it occurred to anyone, Doc’s Japanese family is all safe after the earthquakes. They live much further north than where the quakes hit. But now he wants to go to Japan again. And I’m terrified if I let him, he won’t come back. And I can’t move to Japan. their society would mark me more harshly than this one, making Doc look bad, and I can’t take the food. I like river fish, not ocean fish. And the whole best friend leaving me for Asia thing, that might affect my mood to move to another continent.

And, if I’m going somewhere cold, it’s going to be the UK. End of conversation. I will not overdress for any other part of the world.