I did all the cleaning while it was still light, instead of taking a nap. So, now it’s getting dark and I can’t decide to turn on the light or not. I have a small light, and the mini tree lights on, but the big light. Do I turn that on? I don’t know. I haven’t decided yet.
I tried really hard to take my other laptop, Scout, apart and see what the problem with it overheating is. I couldn’t get the thing apart. I’m just going to take it to a repair place when I get the money. It’s worth fixing, it’s only 5 years old, and runs Windows 7 perfectly. It has about the same specs as what I am using now, and I can get a couple of things upgraded while they have it open. So, again, it’s worth the money. I miss the days of desktops that I could take apart and play with. And fix.
This guy, Kevin, used to live next door, a couple of years ago. He was just some guy, I met him, but didn’t know him. The boys didn’t like him because he snitched on a guy he was doing a run with. That caught up with him and he got shipped back to Maricopa County for a while. And it didn’t do him any favors. He is super creepy now. He sits on the roof and drinks beer and stares over here. When I can’t see him, he mocks me coughing or sneezing or laughing or talking to the animals. I finally told Doc about it and he told me just to tell him to fuck off. So I plan to. Today, there was a sheet hanging on the line, so I couldn’t see if he was out or not and he couldn’t see me, so it was a good day.
Here’s hoping everything goes smoothly tonight when Doc gets home. He was home and awake for three hours last night and after he went to bed, I just sat outside on the couch and felt like I’d been hit by a truck, I was so sore from being tense, and so anxious. It’s took me an hour and a whole milligram of Xamax to calm down, it was horrible. And we didn’t really even fight, he just had a persecution complex that filled the room like toxic smoke.
Today was fine. I marveled when he left that I didn’t think he was an ass. We spent very little time together, though. So, there’s that.
I just want to maintain control around him while giving him time to grieve. He is starting to wake up and realize that everything in his life stopped except work, and that isn’t good. There is very little food in the house for me. Very little. And he hasn’t gone proper grocery shopping for over a month. He got his allergies under control, finally. Some medication that Kelli recommended. Now he just has pain all the time, in random places. I think that is a side effect of the lousy rest he is getting, the stress we are putting each other through and the grief. It makes him not want to move on the weekends, and that is the only time he is free. But I can’t make him get up and do shit for me. He has to take his bike to the store, and a bus. Or he has to walk a long way, and then bring Uber back. But Uber is really expensive out here on the weekends, even during the mornings and afternoons.
We need a car.
I just found out that I am more than likely to be forgiven my student loan debt, thank you, Obama. Which means that I can finally get my credit right. That was the one thing that was killing me. The rest are medical bills that I can pay off in time. The student loan was crushing, though. It’s a horrible feeling to know that even if you inherited $20,000, it wouldn’t make a big difference in your life for 7 years, when your credit is cleared. I understand why people don’t go to college. I didn’t even spend my loans. They went to my mom’s graduate degree. My dad forged my name and cashed the checks. I still owe the school thousands of dollars. Bankruptcy can clear that, though. It can’t do a thing about the student loans.
Okay, I was debating taking a nap, and now it’s too late. Unless I want to be asleep when Doc gets home, which I don’t want to be. I want to be up and happy and stuff for him. Get him into the shower to relax, make him a drink, sit him down, and give him the computer and some peace. If I go to sleep, I will wake up grumpy. I don’t want to be grumpy. I hate grumpy. I only sleep when I get grumpier than I would be when I woke up. It drives Dioc crazy. Since I mostly sleep when he is not home or not awake, he actually doesn’t believe I sleep unless he sees it. So on the weekends when I want to take a two hour nap, he will let me sleep four until I wake up naturally, so convinced is he that I don’t sleep.
That’s part of his new schtick, “Have you slept?”, “Have you taken your meds?”, “Are you on your period?”. There was a time he was legitimately allowed to ask these questions because he was always right. Now he just blurts them out and then wonders why I am so upset. I feel so bad. I wish I could control my reactions better, I have no poker face, I have no poker voice.