Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

Dear Diary, The Arrival of Impostor Syndrome

The article I wrote, “6 Myths About Schizophrenia I Want Busted” has just gone live at The Mighty.


It took me an hour to actually open the announcement email. I was scared. I don’t know why. And then I saw it up and I saw my author bio picture as the feature picture of the article. That’s cool and everything, it was just shocking to see a big picture of me on another website.


There is just one person that I want to acknowledge this accomplishment, and it’s starting to seem like this person is not going to, which makes me sad. It shows that competition and petty jealousy are still more important than our friendship. Some things never ever change.


So, I feel really weird about this whole thing. It’s so unreal. It’s so good. I’m so unused to this. I am so conflicted, and I didn’t expect to be. So strange. What is wrong with me.


Do they know I’m crazy? Yes. It’s okay.


Meantime, my website is blowing up and the article is getting shared all over facebook. I think the editors may have read my facebook as I have been posting about this. Kind of strange, but okay. Am I ready for the added attention? Is my site ready? I checked it over today, and everything seems to be working. If you find something that isn’t, please let me know.


Strangers are now looking at me. Not just you friends. I know strangers can see me any time in a number of places, but I never think about them. I just think about you friends that I have established. I speak to you. I write for us. To inform and to share.


The editors over at the Mighty added FB stats to my article, so I can see how many times it has been shared and liked. That’s pretty cool. I woke up to the email, so it took a few hours from when it got here to when I went to the article. There were already a bunch of shares and likes. I’m really hoping for at least one comment from another patient. I want to know what others with this illness think of what I said. So, hopefully, there are regular readers that hit the site on the weekends.


There are so few schizophrenia articles up there. They have given me the link to a shortcut to submit future stories. And I think I’m going to write some more. I just need subjects to run with. I can research and learn about anything, I just need topics. So, I’ll be working on that. Maybe an article about the debilitation that comes with some/most of the medications. Being asexual mostly as a result of chemical celibacy. Something like that. I was also thinking of doing a story comparing my coming out as bisexual, compared to coming out as schizophrenic. That one could be interesting, and could get picked up by an LGBT site.


Oh, the original title to the article was, “I’m Schizophrenic, It’s not What You Think”. It wasn’t politically correct, and I knew that, but I kept it anyway. They changed it to something that matches the tone of the article, pop culture reference, I’m cool with it. I like it more, actually.


I worked out the vitamins I’m going to get. I’m also going to get some vitamin E oil for my scars, so they don’t turn to cancer. I found a multi-vitamin with a metabolism booster, which I really need. I’m thinking of taking Doc’s old diet pills because they weren’t appetite suppressants, so much as metabolism boosters. So, while they didn’t do much for him, they  might give my body the jump start it needs to let go of the fat around my middle. And yes, I am doing stomach and side exercises. I’m trying everything, baby. I want to be skinny. That’s all. It will make me forget about my teeth for a while and concentrate on something other than my face.


I took a half of Xanax. I have reduced my dose from 4mg a day to 1, 2 if it’s a rough day, like today is turning, weirdly, out to be. I did it mainly because Doc needs the Xanax more than me and he won’t go to the doctor. But I’ve found I don’t need so much on the new meds. I’m telling you, Latuda is the shit. It is changing every aspect of my life. I never would have submitted an article for publication before the Latuda. And I wouldn’t be getting along with Doc so well, without it. I feel lucid for the first time. I wonder if I wrote a couple of articles for them, they could be convinced to sponsor my proposed bit art project that I’m consulting with Ana Voog about. I just hope she consults back. Some kind of collaboration is my ultimate hope, but I would be satisfied with her comments and critique. That’s why I took it to her. And I trust her to keep it to herself. She’s cool like that.


I asked Doc to go to Walmart tonight, quickly before my boycott starts, to get a couple of things, and then forgot to get him a list. So, he’ll be calling at 12:30 from some Walmart to find out what I needed and I can’t remember. Oh, eyeliner, I need to send him the pictures. And potato dinners. That’s right. We’re waiting on the vitamins so we can afford the good ones.


Okay, got to go get those pictures together. Have a nice night, go read the article. I hear it’s good.

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