Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

Dear Diary, Things Have Changed

Dear Diary,

Yeah, I don’t want to talk about what I titled it. I want to talk about something good.

The article I wrote for is “under review to be featured” on their site. I won’t do this on FB, for fear of jinxing it, but I’ll tell you guys . . . this site has a syndication deal with sites like HuffPo and Yahoo, and their better articles with common appeal sometimes get picked up by these online outlets. So this could be a break. But I don’t have my hopes to high on the syndication pick-up, I’m high on the fact that my article may be published, in spite of a lack of common appeal. It’s about 6 specific stereotypes of schizophrenics that plague me. It’s not true for everyone with the illness, may not even be true for anyone else with the illness, it hits people in different ways. But the story submission called for a “personal experience with mental illness” so that is what I provided.

So, there’s that.

I ordered myself a real, over $10 bra for the first time in my life today online. I hope it fits, it is my last hope. I can’t afford to get them Angelina Jolie-ed off. So here’s hoping the bra fits. Now that I’ve reconciled myself to a D cup, I think I will have a better time of it.

As I was writing a memory down on FB, I realized that I’m glad I’m as old as I am. I’m glad I lived at the age I did, when I did. I don’t mind that I’m turning 47 in 6 weeks. It’s okay, I remember when Al Jorgensen was a fresh-faced kid, singing romantic death pop. I saw the finale of MASH. It was the first thing we ever video recorded. We were moving, and my parents set up the new VHS my dad had gotten as a perk and hooked it up at the hotel, set it to record, and went back to work moving. Then watched it after our first dinner at the new house. I refused to eat the guacamole because they had put tomatoes in it. But the finale was good, I cried like a baby.

I wouldn’t give those memories up for a million selfies of me getting trashed on the dance floor and throwing up in alleys. Sure, I wish I had pictures of the people I was with back then, and what they looked like, oh my! But I have my memories, and that is cool. It’s much better than tangible photographic evidence. I’ve done nothing since the dawn of the internet age that I am ashamed of, but before that? Sure! I was in my twenties! And by now, no one remembers if I was cool or not. And the ones who do are no longer vocal about it.

The next day . . .

Yeah, I can’t get dick done on the computer when Doc is around. Right now he is watching TV, so I have the computer with my headphones on. My playlist is fucking with me tonight, taking me on a roller coaster. It’s been fairly consistent lately, so I will excuse it tonight (yes, I realize that my playlist isn’t really AI, but it’s fun to pretend).

I’ve been stashing away money in my savings account to get my guitar fixed, but I think I will use it to get the other laptop fixed, instead, for Doc. So we can each have one. It should be a simple fix. I may be able to do it myself. If it’s just clogged vents, or fur in the works, I can handle that. If I need to reinstall Windows 7, I’ll do that. I think I’ll do that for his birthday. It’s not for a while, so I have time to save enough and do some maintenance myself before hand.

Okay, so, I announced this on FB, I guess I’ll say it here: I’M GETTING PUBLISHED! The website emialed me today. told me good things about my article, warned me of edits and said they’d let me know when it was posted. OMG!!! Something current for my bio. I am so excited, this could actually lead to paying freelance gigs.

Doc and I were talking about it and we realized that all those years ago, when I got here, Carter had the chance and the position to take me under his wing, and then take credit for “making me”. And he pissed it away over the “crazy” thing. That sucks for me. It probably doesn’t for him, though it may in the future.

I’m getting published . . . sings.

I am now completely in love with my hair. Doc doesn’t even hate it. He doesn’t love it, he is a bit conservative with looks, but he doesn’t hate it, and that is what counts.

All I want to do is learn to play the guitar like Stuart Adamson (the genius behind Big Country’s “bagpipe” sound). But more than his sound of playing, there was his style, fast and hard. Forceful notes that leave no doubt. That’s the way I want to play. And yes, I will get some sort of pedal (I have a line on a couple from England) to assist with the bagpipe sound, but it’s the style of his playing I need to work on first. I’ve been watching videos, damnably, they don’t feature him playing, usually. He’s just singing. But he is the one behind that sound. And he’s gone now. I have to carry on his sound. It is my mission not to let that sound die out of the modern lexicon of audio entertainment.

Yeah, I’m thinking of simple compositions to back my poetry mainly, but I do want to be able to play his songs. He’s an alto, so I can actually sing his stuff, too. Mostly.

I’m starting to have fun with this online dating thing. It’s interesting to see men’s reactions to my asexuality. So far, no women. I can’t wait until it’s over and I can write about it. I also really hope I come out of this with a few friends.  I prefer the company of men to women, so this doesn’t seem that far fetched. Some guy asked me if I liked to “get high and ride”. I assume he means motorcycles. Yes. Would love that, as long as we don’t go too fast or drive like idiots between cars. This could be really fun, and meld into the other project I’m thinking of.

Speaking of the other project, so far a secret, I presented it to a “real” artist tonight. I hope so much that she reads it and has an opinion. I mean. I really hope it’s positive, but any opinion, or constructive criticism would be so welcome from this person. She’s been doing and selling art for a long time, I respect her artistic opinion a lot. And in a fit of over-confidence, even told her I would love to collaborate with her. I know, I go too far, and make things weird. But I was listening to the Dead Kenney’s then, so I can’t be held accountable for my actions.

I was going to write more, but I think I am going to go play in Photoshop. I don’t know if I mentioned that Lilliane alerted me to a free legal offer of my favorite suite of filters, the Google Nik sets, and the one of the suites I had been using a pirated copy of was my favorite, most go-to filter set. I used it to some extent on nearly every photo that wasn’t a selfie. So I have that to play with. So, good night.


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