Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

Dear Diary, A Few Days' Worth

Dear Diary,

I’m not as upset about losing my domain for a day as I am about losing my last journal entry that I was making. It was a three day episode. Ah, well.

I think I am using the dishwasher for the first time since we adopted Chewbacca a year and a half ago. He is absolutely terrified of the noises it is making. He is currently hiding under Doc’s pillows and blankets. Why haven’t I used my dishwasher? Because Doc used so many dishes that he didn’t rinse, and put so many restrictions on what could and could not go in the dishwasher, I gave up, started washing dishes by hand, and air drying them in the dishwasher.

Now I’m more tolerant of his restrictions, he rinses his dishes now, and he makes so damn many dishes, that I had to start using the dishwasher again. I couldn’t take doing all of those dishes by myself anymore. Yes, it’s a meditative thing, but it was taking over an hour, and for two people that is just fucking insane. I would really like to reduce the number of dishes and flatware we have. That would make me so happy. Even if they matched, like if we got a four place setting set, and a four-set of flatware. We could also reduce our knives by many. We have 7 spatulas for flipping eggs and pancakes. We have three whisks. Two ladles. Um, oh, 5 heat resistant scraper spatulas that we really use for eggs.

I want a day of clean house. I am going to ask him to do two things tomorrow: clean off the counters, and take all of the garbage out. All of it. The wastebaskets, the “burn bags”, the paper recycling, the used cat litter, the two bags of garbage in the mudroom (because there is always more room in the bag for something). That’s all he has to do. I will deal with the gardening, and rake the yard. Then I will go into my studio and work for a while and give him some alone-time.

I was watching the newest NCIS the other day with Doc, and it got to the part where the mentally ill homeless woman approaches Tony and his dad. And Tony is just obnxious to her. And I just asked Doc to turn it off, and, he was right, I took it personally and got really upset and triggered by it (you know well my terror of being homeless and unmedicated) and I went outside to cool off and then talked to Doc about it for a few minutes until he made me feel better with his damnable Vulcan logic. Now I’m watching the episode all the way through, to see where they are going with this. She thought Mr. D. was her dad. Maybe he is, maybe she isn’t mentally ill, as they made her appear.

Well, that was disappointing. She wasn’t mentally ill. She had a brain tumor. And they only hinted at mental illness once, the rest of the time it was “dementia”. And she was a vet. Could have been a great story arc, befriending a mentally ill woman and helping her get treatment through the VA, and maybe draw some attention to how hard it is for vets to do that. But that’s me, I’m always looking for advocates of something more “serious” than Bipolar. And by “serious”, I mean to the general public. Bipolar, ED’s, Anxiety, PTSD. Fairly harmless to other people historically, so, less serious. That’s the stigma. And while I have three of four of those things (some may argue all four), they are not at the forefront. The “bad” illness is the one that I need help with.

Okay, I have solved (finally) the recorded video of me reading poetry problem (my mouth). I’m going to make a graphic of black tape to overlay the video, over my mouth. There is great irony there, I think. The whole, being gagged while expressing emotion audibly thing. I like it, but then I think I’m quite clever, and so far, only a handful of people agree with me.

I could actually texture the duct tape, now that I think about it. Make it look fairly real. The only problem is getting it to move as I move, or I could just hold still. Not sure how that will work, I’m making this up and Googling tutorials as I go. I should probably go rinse out my hair.

I can add a watermark, too. In fact, I’m going to go back and do that to all of my old videos and re-upload them. I’ll lose all of my views, all 100 of them from 5 years. So, I can handle that in order to make the videos look more professional, because god knows, they sound horrible.

Apparently, whether or not I move to Pittsburgh for Kelli to help me live my life has not been entirely settled yet. There is a great deal of guilt coming out of the east, directed at a resident of this house. For some reason, it seems to be the consensus that he, the evil villain, left his parents in the lurch when he left to get married and live his life. It also seems that he was just always expected to stay there and take care of things, including taking care of the survivor when one of his parents died.

His niece, who he adores, who now hates him because she has been fed this line of thought all these years, is taking care of his mom half the week. On her spring break. So a whole lot of guilt. They are apparently unaware, this gaggle of women, that he has a job, a wife, a house, pets, obligations, a life of his own. Or, they just don’t care because I’m crazy and I don’t count. And that isn’t me being dramatic, it is much easier for a LOT of people to disregard me as a human entirely, rather than face the damage I have. I’m used to it, but not in this context.

Sure, my parents, and my siblings and all of my friends but one has done the disregarding. But I’m not used to it coming from another family. Usually people at least pretend to see me as human. I guess they would, to my face. But since I’m not there, they can do what they want to Doc emotionally until he gives in. And he has thought about it, I know it from things that he has said. He really doesn’t want to. Really. Really. Doesn’t. Want. To. And he shouldn’t have to. I don’t understand why they are tiptoeing around his mother, not actually telling her the facts of the matter, that she can’t take care of herself. That she needs more assistance than just a modified shower.

They all need to face reality that Dad is gone. He isn’t coming home in a few weeks. This is permanent, this is not a situation that will improve. It is pretty much final. He is gone. She relied on him for everything and she has absolutely no idea of it. And now she is tormenting the people taking care of her because she resents that they have to take care of her. But she used that man all these years without even being aware of it. And now they want Doc to step in and do the same thing.

Even after she complained to each and every member of the family that Doc had yelled at her, when what he did was stop her from yelling, and step back from the situation, firmly telling her that he wasn’t going to be spoken to that way. So everyone got to think he was some kind of monster because she is a raging drama queen. She was “menopausal” for 20 years! Who drags out a medical thing that long? How long can one use that as an excuse? Right up until the time the victim moves out or dies, apparently.

I am angry. I am taking this very personally, and I can’t talk to Doc about it right now because he already has too much on his plate without my input on the matter. And he knows how I feel, I don’t want to go back to Pittsburgh. Yes, I want to be with Kelli, but do I want to break up my and Doc’s entire life to hang out with my best friend? I thought this was settled. And, yes, Doc should not have led me to believe it was settled, but I think he thought it was, too. I don’t think he anticipated the guilt trips once he got back here. Oh, no, the home health care worker didn’t work out for 4 hours a day. Oh dear, Uncle will have to modify his bathroom before she can stay there for a few months. Oh, drat, sister has to put an addition on her house (what? Her kids are on their way out of the house), and have the bathroom renovated.

Here is my question, why is she not looking at retirement communities where she would have a nurse around full time, food provided, and constant care and attention? I understand that is not optimal, but surely it is better than living with a strange family in a guestroom with nothing of your own. For the record, I would prefer that, the institutional solution. They don’t have to put her in a cheap and crappy home. They have a house at the shore to sell, pension and SSA for her, plus the main house to sell. Even if she was broke when he died, she is okay now for the future.

I just don’t get it. Is it because we didn’t have kids? We’re not a “real” family, so it’s not really home wrecking? Is consideration for Doc’s feelings that disposable? What the actual hell?

Okay, my hair is dyed and dry. I hate it. It is almost black. You can barely tell under bright light that there is a color in it aside from black. I’m glad I didn’t do the sides and back. At least I can pin it back off my face, which now looks like death. I wish I had gone blue. But someone else just did, and they did it after I talked about doing it myself. And I don’t know if they knew, but it still sucked. So, I’m petty and I didn’t want to do the same color. So, I figured, purple. Yeah. I can only imagine how trashy it is going to look as it fades out. My long beautiful hair. Now completely trashed. I’m going to have to wait until this grows out to go back to blonde. I used Pravada, a much more permanent dye than Manic Panic. I feel like crying. I really didn’t need another hit to my self esteem. Now my hair and my face look fucking wretched. And my teeth are hilariously bad. I’m never taking another photo again. I am not doing videos of my readings. I am only putting the Creator Cam on the artwork, not on me. I’m done.



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