Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

Dear Diary, I'm Done Freaking Out

Dear Diary,

“You can’t freeze up like this. It’s time to adult on this one. I know the emotions are overwhelming, but now is when you snap to action and let the momentum of the action carry you through the emotions until you are in a place where you can look at them, at your dad’s bedside. But we have to get you there, first.”

Once said, I’m pretty sure it sank in. It had to be said, he was just sitting, staring, for hours. Now is not the time for that. Things are moving fast, and he has to keep up or he might get lost.

I have a lot of questions I can’t ask him, like, what is up with his mom not calling him and letting him know? She didn’t call his brother, either. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? What a clusterfuck this is going to be. The three siblings that haven’t seen each other for decades, deciding the fate of an old woman. And the tying up of the business. Oy.

Even though I am terrified about being here alone with no money or way to get to the store, or anyone around the house but the weapons and the animals, I am glad I don’t have to deal with what Doc is going to be flying into.

After a desperate plea for funding for a plane ticket, I’m hoping we have enough. I have to, when I’m done here, check the Delta schedule and then get Doc bereavement airfare. We should have just enough. Some random stranger gave a large amount to the fund yesterday because personal reasons. I am so touched. And all my friends pitched in and threw in some cash, and it added up fast.

There is so much to do before he leaves. I need groceries, he needs to pay rent, since I can’t. And I have to get to my doctor on Friday somehow and get him to sign forms for Doc for another issue that is going on at work. They are going to be so happy about this, or not.

He may be gone for weeks. He may not have a job to come back to, if he is coming back. He may never be in Las Vegas again. He may just stay back there, and I will pack the house up and separate our stuff. If his mom decides she wants to stay home, she is going to need someone to live with her and care for her. That’s why I can’t go. The house is too small, she doesn’t like me at all, and I need care, myself. That’s why I have to go to Kelli’s. I need to go somewhere where someone can help care for me. Especially because I don’t think I’m going to be able to stay on my new meds past this year if things don’t stay just the same. And things are not going to stay just the same. I don’t see his mother acquiescing to a full time care home. She could surprise me, but she’s been in that house for decades, raised a family in it, will likely want to stay out her life there. Can’t say I blame her.

Okay, I have enough to get him a one way ticket. With the bereavement discount, maybe enough to get a round trip, open ended. That worry is done. Thank you, Universe, and all of my friends. Do they know, Dear Diary, how much they mean to me? I fear I don’t tell them enough. Or show them as well as I could. I have to change that. I can’t believe I am having benevolent feelings while listening to Nitzer Ebb. Odd. Or is it Ood?

I have to do something for myself this morning. I’m warning you now, this is the place where you are going to see my selfish. I won’t show it to Doc, I won’t take it out on my friends, but in here, I will be open and honest. And in all selfishness, the stress of the last 36 hours is weighing on me heavily. I need to do art. Something relaxing and creative. I’m listening to music and that is helping a lot. But getting some glue under my nails and paint up my nose will be even better. When it gets a bit lighter. The sun is still coming up. It’s almost hit the yard and the house.

I wish, I wish, I wish that my silk cord would get here. I keep glancing at the pile of stuff that is calling to me for black 1mm silk cord. Soon, my babies.

Today, I think I will learn how to make a mold for clay. I have these goddess charms that are a nice size, and have no “findings” on them, no extra bits of metal or anything to interfere with a nice mold. I have a goddess mold, but it’s a bit bulky and inelegant, this new one will be superb. If it doesn’t work out, I am having the design 3D printed into a small cookie cutter and will add the breasts and buttocks to each by hand.



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