Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

I am in the Foulest of Moods

It’s been more than 36 hours since I had THC, and I feel like I am dying. I have taken three Xanax over the last three hours to try to calm down. It’s not working. Doc is out running errands, which is best, because he hates to see me like this. I get all twitchy and bouncy. I cleaned the shit out of the house. But I did it so quickly, Doc had barely enough tine to get to the pharmacy and text me he was waiting before I finished the housework, and his ride wasn’t that far away.

I try not to be mean to him, and I’ve been doing very well. I haven’t pissed him off or hurt his feelings. I just feel . . . homicidal. I wish B would come to the door now. No I don’t. I would go to jail. Well, I’m still in a bad mood. So I say things I don’t mean. I don’t want to kill B, I just want him to fix Doc’s bike. Now, if he gives Doc anymore shit about it, I may go over and beat him up while his wife is not home to beat me up. I want that goddamned scooter back. The bike is killing Doc. He is in pain all day long from the bike rides. Then there’s the occasional falling off the bike due to unforeseen circumstances, which doesn’t help him at all.

Mr. Bean is on, I have to do something about this. Ahh, the Looney Tunes show. Much better. Even with the new voices. They are a little weird, yet still comforting with their familiar dialogue and plot lines. Maybe some times will pass.

I’m trying to write to calm myself, and I’m also trying to write to kill time. Time is my enemy right now. I’m used to it going so quickly with the weed. And when I’m long-sober, time just fucking crawls.

Have you ever seen “Despicable Me”? It is such a good movie. Even Doc got into last night. It was funny. Every time I left the room, he described to me what happened while I was gone. Probably not realizing that I’ve seen this movie 5 times in the last week.

Whoa, time did pass. It’s 2pm already. Doc should be home by 5. I would go to sleep, but I’m too damn restless. And these hot flashes are not pleasant under a comforter. I have to look up the hot flashes, I’m getting them a lot and I’m wondering if it is a side effect of the Latuda. I am way too young for menopause. I keep running outside at night in the cold to cool off. And I have to keep taking showers to wash the sweat off. No amount of antiperspirant will stop that.

You know those packing air bags that come with Amazon packages? Teeny loves those. She pounces on them and pops them. I have a huge supply for her in the bedroom. My headphones were packed with the stuff.

Oh, my headphones! Easily the coolest thing I own right now. They are totally retro,. Enameled ear pieces, rectangular, chrome adjustment tubes. An inline volume control, and best of all, the cord is wrapped in cloth cording. And the extension cord came in handy because the cord is rather short. Average length, I suppose, I’m just used to a 15 foot cord. They are so loud, and they block out all the sound around me, and keep my music inside. I was listening to it loud today, and Doc didn’t hear it at all.

ok, I scraped my bowl for the fifth time and got a little resin out of it.  I feel much better now. It’s really sickening to me that I rely on this to feel okay. The stigma, in spite of the legal medical angle, is still there. I feel like a junkie because I can’t go without it without completely flipping out. It settles my head that much. It calms my thoughts and slows my brain processes so that I can keep up with them and they don’t overwhelm me. Something else I’m really susceptible to sober is sensory overload. Like, there is too much going on in this room right now and  I have to focus on the screen or I look around and get confused. I know, that’s no way to live, and if the medical marijuana helps me, I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. That’s what it is there for.

Our trackballs will be here next week. Doc bought them for me since I paid for the laptops (pay no attention to the fact that he has to pay my rent whenever I spend that kind of money), he said it was the least he could do. He likes the keyboard on Jem, so he doesn’t want a USB keyboard yet. I told him that Jem was pretty much for him since he could game on it. I will , of course, use it for work when he isn’t around, but when he is, that laptop is his. He was unhappy that I put stickers he didn’t like on it, but I didn’t have any he did like. He doesn’t like anything. But he’s happy with the machine. It’s faster than Bollux, so his games are smoother and have more extras.

And even though the screen is smaller, the resolution is the same. Which really helps with the work I have done. The only one I’ve had to adapt to is the flat screen with its super high resolution. It confuses me on Photoshop, sometimes. And it really doesn’t matter how big I make my photos that I post, WordPress puts them all in at the same size. so that’s really cool.

I haven’t heard from Doc saying he was on his way home, so I’m pushing his return time to 7pm. I’ll be okay until about 4.

The Xanax is making me zonky, but not in the least bit tired or calm. RARR. I can’t take another one. Too many is bad for me.

All the animals are asleep. Who am I going to play with? Maybe I should get the vacuum out again for a few minutes and wake them all up. HA!

Doc is on his way home. I am so relieved. He’s getting home before dark. He has lights on his bike, but I worry about the drivers on the road, not him so much. Most of his accidents have been caused by careless drivers. They get stupid at dusk. They don’t turn their lights on and they don’t look up from their phones. We have really harsh phone/driving penalties, but it doesn’t seem to deter anyone. Fucking things are a curse on drivers. They shouldn’t be allowed in the passenger compartment. Put them in the trunk. Nothing like that has any business in a car. The complicated screens of information constantly talking are distraction enough. I don’t know why they put those in cars, either. Let’s make cars more dangerous, we’ll put a huge screen full of needless info in the middle of your dashboard so you can’t ignore it. Fucking stupid people. Let your GPS talk to you, it doesn’t need to show you what it’s doing. It’s smarter than you. Let it do it’s job.

I just realized I’m watching Laverne and Shirley. One of the rare episodes they aren’t in. It’s a Lenny and Squiggy focused episode. It was pretty good. I remember watching these religiously and then watching the re-runs the same way. I loved it more than Happy Days. Lavern was my hero, except for the pepsi and milk thing.

He brought me home a blunt. I very rarely get these because they require so much pot, it’s a waste. But H’s son rolled me one of his weed to bring home to me. I guess the cleavage the other night was a hit. It wasn’ intentional, but it happened anyway.

Time to go. Doc is in the shower and I think we are making an Italian Feast tonight for dinner. If we’re hungry.

Have a nice night.




















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