It is for me. I don’t know if it’s my internet connection or the site. Can you make comments? Are there any other problems? I need to know, because I don’t. You know, now that I can care again.
I feel fucking glorious. I got 6 uninterrupted hours of sleep this morning. That is a record, off Seroquel. I read that I’ll be getting my sex drive back. I didn’t even know that Seroquel took it. I’m not sure I’ll know what to do with a sex drive. Likely drive Doc crazy.
But no, I feel clear-headed, and the paranoia is wearing off. I am no longer staring down the hall at Doc’s closed door like he’s the enemy. All animosity toward him is gone. He really took care of me the other night. He cooked for me, and fed me. He got me into a relaxing bath. He took all of my vitriol. I know he is having a hard time processing it, and I am so sorry for that. I would have crumbled if such mean things had been said to me. I accused him of so much. So much personal stuff. It was awful, I haven’t been like that in a long time. I almost hurt myself again, but managed to put a stop to that.
I know it seems like there is a lot of time that I’m not stable, and you’re right. For someone who is supposed to be medicated and stable, I’m really not. There is always playing with doses and that always plays with the body and mind. These are toxins we are putting into ourselves. I will probably die of liver disease or liver failure because of all the meds before I die of old age. It will be an ugly, painful death. I’m not looking forward to it. I try to mitigate the pills I take outside of my meds, but I’m a hopeless pill popper. Pain relievers, laxatives (which I will no longer need without the Seroquel), supplements (studied to not interact with my meds). I kind of have to quit that. I’m not doing my liver any favors.
Doc told me Will Smith is considering a future run for President. Better than Kanye West or Miley Cyrus. There was a time . . . fuck it, I don’t care anymore.
Local news, which I am about to give up on: Woman commits suicide by cop. The 11th person this year dies on Boulder Highway. Ex-County Commissioner arrested for DUI, finally. The “finally” is mine. The guy is a cowboy who thinks he owns his little part of the state. This isn’t the first time he’s been drink driving. It’s just the first time someone had the balls to bust his ass. Finally. He’s a friend of Rancher Bundy, public enemy number one. You may recall his armed insurrection on Federal Lands over his right to let his cattle graze them for free. He’s a leech. So, that is local news. Nothing good there . . . oh, wait, the weekend toy drive out at the Speedway filled at least 31 full semi trailers with toys and bikes for the kids of the valley. That was pretty fucking cool. 31 tractor trailers of toys and bikes. And the stuff was still coming in. And tens of thousands of dollars, given a little bit at a time, as families can afford to. That was some cool news.
Ooooh! Doc bought me muffins! At 480 calories a piece, I just need to eat one small one and I can take my Latuda. I don’t have to think about cooking, or hunting and gathering several things that will equal 350 calories. This is so much easier.
Don’t ask me when I started to hate eating. I’m sure friends from way back will remember my reluctance to eat. Kelli says it’s been a constant since she met me, 20+ years ago. She never understood how I gained weight (Now we all know it was the Seroquel) with how little I ate. When I got anorexic proper a few years ago, I came out of it by drinking coca-cola. It put some weight on me so I didn’t mind starting to eat again. Of course, it sized me out of all the cool clothes I bought at the thrift store. I’ll be back in them. I’m not really worried about it. My stomach is getting smaller, I’ve noticed, since I quit the Seroquel, and it’s only been a week, ten days. It was a cute stomach. A small pot belly above flat skin, no love handles . . . but those don’t but me much. I miss my little pot belly. And the flatness beneath it going down to my panty line. A good belly. Nice for the cats to lean their heads on and purr. Just big enough to tickle. Yes, Doc used to tickle me.
Maybe without the Seroquel this asexuality thing will stop and Doc and I can go back to tickling each other (that is not a euphemism).
The vomiting has stopped and the itching is nearly gone. Mainly my scalp and arms now. The fatigue is still with me. But, so was the sleeplessness, until today. Now, I’m feeling kind of amped up on the Latuda. I may go do the dishes before Doc wakes up.
Okay, the muffins aren’t so small. Just deceptive looking. My stomach is beyond full. I took my meds and I’m trying not to drink anything or fill my stomach any more until it has time to empty some. And I’m sitting up straight, not squishing my tummy up by slouching. I might stand up and stretch. Yeah, that felt good. Really good. I feel like I haven’t stretched in days, but I stretched out a lot yesterday, to try to relieve the muscle cramps. The heating pad is my best friend. I don’t ever want to do heroin because I don’t ever want to withdraw from it. Never never. That will be enough to keep me away from that drug for the rest of my life.
I’ll have at least one new gallery on the Photoshop page tonight. I just have to resize and optimize the PSDs. Then I can put it up. I worked really hard on this set. I think I’ve put more time into this set than any other set I’ve done. You may glance at the gallery and think, “Oh, she just applied the same filters to everything.” You would be wrong. The filters are similar, but each photo is custom done to bring out its strong points. These were photos from the Ethel M Lighted Cactus Garden that I couldn’t use because they were too blurry. I was messing with one a few weeks ago and figured out that I could salvage them. So, that is the set that is going up tonight. And warning: Doc says they hurt his head. But he doesn’t like Christmas lights.
I can’t seem to install Adobe Premier. It takes 30 minutes to install, too much for the computer, it shuts off half way through. And somehow I uninstalled Photoshop today, so I need to uninstall the filter packs and reinstall the whole mess. It should only take an hour to install and crack them. I’m getting really good at it.
Okay, almost time to get Doc up for work. Time to end this before I get back into it and lose track of time.
Soon, these will be announced on Facebook and Twitter as well as Livejournal. I hope to get more traffic here, but I don’t know what the issues with the site are.