I feel a change in my thinking. And I don’t know if it’s Trump/mass shooting burnout, or if it’s the poor way I have been medicating myself.
See, the last four days have been kind of chaotic. And I’ve not been sleeping or eating, my default position when other things need to be taken care of. And I have to take some of my meds with food, or they are not effective. Then there’s the “green” meds, which I ran out of over the holiday, and between working 16 overtime hours (at triple time because of the holiday, we’ll get Doc on a flight home by Valentine’s day), and the dispensaries being closed for the holiday, I was going kind of nuts. And, the lack of the food-demanding Latuda, and a severe cut-back on Seroquel because it makes me sleep, and as I said, I’m not sleeping. It’s on purpose. I’m having nightmares. Horrible terrors. Hallucinations are under control. The Shadow People are not here, there is no Weeping Angel in the corner of the dining room, and the kitchen is delightfully Smurf-free. So that’s cool. It’s just the R.E.M. sleep that kills me. Over and over again.
And I have to admit that my paranoia is about at Code Orange. I’m falling victim to my own conspiracy theory. The GOP, aka, the ignorant masses, are all rabidly listening to a man who wants to “tag” and “track” Muslims because they are dangerous, in their eyes. Okay, here is where my logic takes a flying leap, so try to stay with me. These mass shootings keep happening during the campaign. They are going to have to respond to it eventually. And they won’t change the gun laws. And Trump has already said that we don’t have a gun problem, we have a mentally ill problem. Not a “mental illness” problem, or epidemic. but a “mentally ill” problem. He put it solidly on the shoulders of the ill, not the illness. So what is to stop him from proposing that we tag and track the mentally ill? Or round them all up?
No, he’s not president, and he can’t make policy. But his rallies have become pep rallies for hate and scapegoating. And we have already seen that there are plenty of vigilantes out there, ready to “help” Trump’s cause by brutalizing those Trump names as “enemy”. Everyone in this neighborhood knows I am mentally ill. In spite of my constant sunny reports on how cool this neighborhood is (it really is!), there are people who would do me harm. Or my house, since you can’t get into it and since the Doctor’s appointment, my paranoia has taken over and I refuse to leave the cover of the garage.
So that is where my irrational fear is coming from right now. And it is very tangible. Usually my paranoia is hard to nail down, hard to identify the cause of. Not this time. It’s like a pile of cinderblocks surrounding me, but not keeping me safe. Just weighing me down. I am really scared of this man and what he can incite.
And I keep having thoughts of god. Not one of many gods, but GOD. And it’s weird. This would not be the time for me to start believing in him, as he would be the one letting Trump run free.
So, yeah, back to the regular medication regimen. I have to get into the mood to eat. If I force myself I’ll just throw up the food and the medication and waste it all. This is the expensive med, I can’t afford to waste them.
So, I’m taking a mental health day. I did manage to get some substantial back end work done on the site, and new areas will be going live soon. But I don’t see me working on it today. I just want to curl up with the queue of cats waiting for this keyboard to not be on my lap so they can be. The dog has left me for a sleeping Doc. That’s okay, I haz kitties. Traitorous canine.
I need to go stuff cigarettes now. I have a never ending nicotine fit because of the Sudafed I took to make my nose stop creating one drop of snot to drip every five minutes. I couldn’t take blowing my nose anymore. No more drips, but bad nicotine craving. Like my illness doesn’t make me crave them enough.