Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers


I’m learning a lot about the traffic to my site and on my site. There is none. In the last three days, I have been the only human on it. The rest of the traffic, that my web host is reporting, is bot traffic. THERE ARE NO HUMANS ON MY SITE. 16 years on the web, and there is NO traffic. I desperately need to do something about this.

If you search “art brut poetry” in Google, I show up on page 2. But who the fuck searches for that, aside from me?

I put up one of those annoying-as-all-hell pop-up exit windows that asks for your email. It even acknowledges that it is annoying. But even if the form isn’t filled out, I still get the notification that a human was on my site.

I am dismayed. This means that NONE of my social networking bullshit self-promotion has worked. Or maybe I just had a crap site presented. I will do other rounds of self-promotion for the site, once it is on its feet. But I have no faith in it. And I’m starting to think that the “internet marketers”, whose advice I am reading, are lying through their teeth about their success in order to hock their wares. Actually, no, I’m not starting to think that, I am well on my way to being convinced. They are all a bunch of my Dads. Frustrated middle-aged white men who couldn’t make the Republican Dream work for them, and now hock snake oil in the form of Internet Secrets of Marketing to unsuspecting rubes. At least I didn’t pay for any of it, well, didn’t pay any more than my information.

And just in case that one tracking program is wrong, I have redundancies. According to them, it isn’t wrong. I am the only one being entertained by all the shit I’m doing on my site. Well, fuck it, I’m having fun, and if I cut back on one of my meds just a bit, I can convince myself that people are actually coming to my site.

Speaking of meds! I have collected some articles and study results re: using stimulants to treat schizophrenia’s cognitive symptoms. I’ve noticed that when I take Sudafed (which, let’s face it, it’s speed with cold medication), my cognitive functioning is better in some areas. Decision making improves, situational assessment improves greatly, etc. So I spent yesterday afternoon, after I finished studying, looking for studies done on stimulants and cognitive symptoms. And eureka! They have found a link. A relatively mild stimulant, Modafinil, is being studied extensively on it’s effect on cognitive symptoms. To date, the ONLY possible, even talked about, drug treatment for these crippling symptoms. Until now, it’s been memory games (Lumosity, I’m supposed to be spending time on Lumosity, I prefer to study my own way, the games on Lumosity confuse me and make me angry), and talk therapy (Nope. Not taking a bus ride once a week to talk to a stranger, catching him/her up on my history for months before we can even begin to work). So when I go see Doctor B, I will present him with the printed out studies to check out and see if I can try this stuff.

See, my positive symptoms are mostly under control. I was having some auditory hallucinations yesterday, but I think that was just stress over the holiday, because it didn’t start until after Doc told me that I wasn’t getting Thanksgiving dinner, after I had planned it out so simply, and so far ahead. I was bummed and stressed. And the hallucinations. Mostly of Doc talking to me.

Then he called home. He didn’t open his birthday card this year. He didn’t open his birthday card last year. From his family. He just can’t even. He has his reasons. But they are bad. And they bite him in the ass. He made “The Holiday Call” last night. And things were not good. There had been a death in the family. There will soon be another. And while the first hurt only one, the other will devastate the whole. So we’re done splurging on Xmas, as of now. All money will be going to getting him home as soon after the first of the year as possible. He gets all of his vacation and discretionary time at the first of the year. He will continue to work the 2 hours overtime every morning. And stash the money away, and we’ll save for a car when he gets back. I just want to get him home in time. And I don’t know how much time he’s got. He’s racing cancer. Fuck cancer. Fuck cancer right up the ass. It has no right to mess with this man, with this hero. It is like, the only thing that could possibly take him out, he is such a Superhero. I don’t care what Doc says, I’m sending him the photo book I made him for Xmas. I made it for him last year, but Doc was weird about me giving it to him. It’s all photos taken by the cats. I figured he would like it for the reconnaissance mission aspect of it. He’s an Army man.

Wow, that turned into a bummer. I’m not going to say any more about all that. It’s Doc’s family. And though he signed on for my 24/7 web display, his family did not, and if his sister ran across this, she would not take it the right way. She doesn’t take me the right way. I’m her baby brother’s wife. No woman would ever be good enough. As it should be.

Chewy is huggy tonight. Cool. He’s been aloof for a couple of days. I’ve missed him. There was even a time I was crying the other day and he wouldn’t come to me. Very strange. We’ve trained him to come to me when I cry, without being prompted. So, I guess he was mad at me about something. I must have given Felix a bigger piece of cheese or something.

Remember, if you are seeing this on – it originated on and you should at least go look at the front page because I worked hard on it. The front page, contact page and journal are really the only things there right now, but that front page, I mean, wow, right? Is it slow? Is it bulky? Does the font load, is it hard to read? Did you get bothered by the email sign-up after signing up? Oh, what am I going to email you? I have no idea. I’ll likely send out an announcement when the site is full of content and ready for mass consumption. But you can be pretty sure that I won’t be spamming you guys. I get out all I need to say, here.

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