In the meantime, Doc wants to get me another laptop. He wants to get me the Acer Aspire E-series (which is what I have, so I have the restore disks for it, which the refurbished models do not come with) that I found on newegg. I'm not sure why. He seems to think that I work better with two units. This is true. I multi task so much that this laptop often gets overwhelmed. It needs to be relegated to surfing the web, watching videos and listening to music. An entertainment center, basically. I can have an instructional thing open on this machine while working on the other machine, and I know he wants a machine for himself. I'm just glad he isn't going the "pad" route. I would die if we had one of those tablet things in this house. I hate them. They are the crayons of the computing world. The safety scissors. The giant Lego bricks that kids can't swallow. My malice is showing.
Communication with Doc has all but completely broken down. We can talk about nothing personal. Nothing involving feelings. He has been taking everything I say as a personal attack on him. And I can see why he would be defensive. After 18 years of complete passivity, with the exception of psychotic episodes, the Latuda has made me quite assertive. And not in a bad, overwhelming way. But to Doc, it's a very new thing, and he doesn't know how to feel about it. Suddenly I'm not keeping quiet when he lies to my face, or tries to alter my reality when I KNOW that it is wrong, where I just used to break down crying and repeating, "Nothing is real anymore." Why he would want to see me go through that, rather than deal with the uncomfortableness of a few of his habits, well, I guess I can understand. When you've seen someone suffer for so long, you get kind of dead to it. When it starts speaking up and saying things are unacceptable, I can see where I would wish for the crying, submissive person who would soon be so deep in her head she wouldn't notice the 8 bags of "burnables" piled up around the kitchen she tries to keep as spotless as a commercial kitchen.
He doesn't understand that I commiserate with him on this. He just thinks I'm attacking him. I was explaining to him that I was cranky with him the other morning because I wasn't ready for him to come home. And it wasn't that I wasn't watching the time, I was, but ultimately I am ruled by the rising and setting of the sun. And it was still dark when he got home, and I am so not used to that yet. So I was a wee bit bitchy to him. I was trying to apologize when he stopped me and said, "Can you say anything without making me feel like shit?" We didn't talk again until he was telling me what things to pack in his rucksack for work. And then, only about that. I still don't understand his reaction, but I can kind of see it. I think he thought that I was saying him getting home early was a bad thing. Not at all. But I do have to censor myself when he is home. No wandering through the house screaming Courtney Love songs. No air guitar with the cats. Nothing that weirds him out. It takes a transition, after spending 9 hours screaming Courtney Love songs and playing air guitar with the cats, that's all. I have to down shift. And I wasn't ready that day because the sun wasn't up yet, and here he was, home. No bad on him, more me, for not preparing.
Can someone explain to me why I love this Kanye West song? It's got Daft Punk. I hate the lyrics. But his rhythm over the Daft Punk is great. I hate it's him. It's "Stronger". Music by Daft Punk. Really the only Daft Punk song I like. This song is a complete anomaly in my music catalog. And I don't understand at all. Does anyone else have that one secret song they would never admit to liking, but in their secret heart of hearts, they turn up in the car when they are alone? If I drove, I would totally blast this song, with the windows up. It would be a great driving song. I put it on every playlist. I can't explain why. I despise the man and everything about him. His lyrics are simplistic to a 7 year old, his ego is simplistic to anyone with any understanding of psychology, and his marriage . . . well, I actually sympathize with his baby-making machine, Kim, on this one. See, he's got me feeling sorry for a worthless Kardashian. Fukken pathetic.
So, let me throw an idea at you all. I'm creating the photo galleries for my portfolio, and I'm thinking, for the Photoshop section, having the altered picture in full size, of course, with a thumbnail of the original photo in the bottom right hand corner of the picture. Only taking up a hundred pixels square or so. That way a prospective client can see what I am capable of from beginning to end. Think this is a good idea, or no?
I can't believe I'm talking about prospective clients. I was offered a position in the graphics department of an automotive company recently. It was an on-site job in PA, so I didn't even consider it, or mention it. They went off of what little I have on my site now, and my social media accounts. It says a lot that they were willing to take a chance on a loose canon like me, they just couldn't do telecommuting, which is a shame. I am determined never to set foot in a corporate office building again, if I can possibly help it.
I guess I can tell you guys now, Doc got called up for jury duty last week. He was eliminated from the primary pool, apparently the state's attorney didn't care for his sympathetic attitudes for mental illness. Actual jury selection for the case started yesterday. It's a case that is in the news. There was a shooting on the Strip a couple years ago that resulted in some deaths from car accidents, including the mangling of a brand new Maserati. When Doc got dismissed, he initially thought there was a plea, but no, on the news Monday, we saw the report of the jury selection for those who made it past the preliminary pool. I'm kind of glad he didn't have to do that. Obviously the shooter was impaired, but from the sound of it, there will be a mental capacity "at the time of the incident" question brought up. That would have been taxing on Doc, as the lawyers guessed. Pretty cool, though, his first call to jury duty and he gets a big case.
I got a card months ago about putting my name in the jury pool. I took it to Doctor B with a scared look on my face and he said he would take care of it. I've heard nothing else about it. I assume he sent a letter explaining I couldn't be alone and out of the house at the same time and would require that a care-giver be with me during the whole process. That'll scare them off.
Oh, shit, see, it's almost 5am. Doc will be home in two hours. And I have been a complete flake tonight. I hung my laundry and took the opportunity (I'm out of sugar) to wash my sugar dispenser. I have this really big (like 3XL) white denim jacket. And I am just dying to do something to it. But I don't know what. My normal art is not suitable, because I wouldn't wear my art. It's too colorful. I have a long sleeve tie-dye that I love, but I can't wear it because when my arms move, I get vertigo. So, painting, or ink printing the jacket might look cool, but I wouldn't wear it then. I'm thinking of finding an artist and having them paint the Alarm's trademark red poppy on the back and maybe their name down one of the arms, in their font. This goes with my idea of having the logo of Big Country's "Big Country" LP painted on the back of my leather. Maybe with "Husker Du" down one sleeve. That's one of my leathers. My soft one. The other one, I don't want to paint. It's a biker jacket, really old, vintage to the max. It's still stiff. Even though it was worn every day for almost 30 years. It has too much history that I don't know for me to brand it. As far as my soft leather goes, I've made the history with that. And if I want to immortalize Big Country and Husker Du on the same jacket, well, fuck it, I'm schizophrenic. To me, it makes sense.
Do you remember those Italian slider link bracelets from a few years ago? They were like watch bands, and in fact, many came with watches. They had little charms on them, or gems, or letters. I found two of those I have from way back then. One says "mad DIY vox". "Vox" is latin for "voice". I also made things to glue to them. They say, "freak", "geek", and "speak", and one has a six-shooter on it. Most of the tiny gems have come off, but I still like the critters. I put them on my right wrist, which is the hand I type with when doing it one handed, so I have to keep thin things on that wrist. I was wearing a leather band, but it was too bulky. So now I have two silver rings and two silver bracelets on each hand. I am almost symmetrical.
Holy shit, I got paid today. And there's nothing I want to buy . . . I take that back, I have those boots to get before my new customer discount expires. Are you aware that most of these online apparel places want so badly to hook you that they will practically give you your first purchase? I've found this with three of the four places I've found clothes lately. Especially the discount places. Only 20 more days before I get my two shirts, which are traveling by reindeer via Netherlands Land Post. I hope they are decent quality, so I can order those two dresses and a pair of pants from the same place. It's cheap because it takes forever, I have no problem with waiting.