And thus ends my desire to type. The past six hours of silence were hell. I couldn't sit still, and every time I moved on my couch, it creaked, which woke him up. Every time I went to have a cigarette, it woke him up. It was a nightmare for both of us. Whatever he needs to do to get his bed back tomorrow, I will do it. No more silent captivity.
What the hell am I going to do tonight? Rarr. I can't read twitter or facebook. Need to take a break. If I see one more post blaming mental illness for gun massacres, I'm going to freak right the fuck out. It's coming from all sides. Don't understand something? Label it mental illness. Really don't understand something? Label it schizophrenia. Fucking stupid fuckheaded fucks. You're all fucking stupid and all deserve to be shot, I want to scream every time I get on social media. It's. The. Guns. End. Of. Story. Yes, regulate them, stop the mentally ill from getting them, if you can. But in this particular case (Oregon), it wasn't the mentally ill shooter that was getting the weapons, it was his un-adjudicated mother that was stockpiling the weapons because she was convinced that Obama was coming for them. Obviously, she was mentally unstable, as well. But no judge had said so, so she could still legally get as many weapons as she could carry. See? the mental illness clause in the currently proposed gun background checks don't even cover the problem of the mentally ill getting weapons, because so many mentally ill people are either not diagnosed/treated, or never committed by a judge against their will. So even if gun control advocates get what they want, it won't do a damn thing to help with the problem of the mentally ill getting a hold of and/or stockpiling guns and ammo.
But no one wants to hear that. Just like no one wants to hear what I ever say. Until the press says it. Then it's meme meme meme, link link link.
I realized something as I was typing it today . . . the reaction I get from people who I out myself to is . . . get ready for it . . . fear. That's why no trolls. Or trolls that end up apologizing to me after they read my twitter profile. Fear that I will go "psycho" on them. Really. It's the only explanation I can come up with. I don't have one of those sexy mental illnesses that are celebrated for the strength of the sufferers. Not like Bipolar, PTSD, ADHD, Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, the ones with activists and lobbyists and allies and websites. We don't have supportive twitter accounts. We have Doctor's and research teams and medical journals to follow. They have support systems, we have medical jargon. And we are the ones portrayed in the media as the dangerous and inconceivable ones. We're portrayed as roundly dangerous and driven to wanton destruction of lives, property, or selves. We are depicted as incurable, untreatable. We have no loud voice. We have scattered shouts, here and there. But how can we? We lose all credibility as reliable, responsible, independent persons as soon as we are found out, or out ourselves. A lot of us cannot stand other people, as a general rule, some, like me, especially do not like others like me. It's my hang up and it isn't right, but there it is.
So yeah, no social media for a while. It's no good for my piece of mind. I think I'll go through my folder in my email and check out some Photoshop tips. I'm also determined to find some techniques in Photoshop that are applied to pale subjects. All of the tutorials I've found doing artistic effects rely on heavily darkened photos with many deep shadows. I have a series of photos of mostly my skin against a light backdrop that I'm willing to put a grayscale gradient in, but I want to keep the figure pale while applying some kind of artistic efex. They are not easy to find. But I don't know if it is because of a lack of them, or faulty searching by me. I wish I could have some insight to Google's algorithm. Not to use it to game it, but to use it to search better. They keep jumping ahead of me. Every time I think of a different way to search, to combine my words, to incorporate BOOLEAN (sp) symbols into a "regular" search, it seems Google is already there. So what secrets is it hiding? It has ruined me for every other search box I find on the internet.