Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

DEFCON 1

Okay, Doc is gone for the night. He took my alarm clock, so I guess I'm not sleeping out here and getting up at 5 to let him in, in the morning tomorrow. Whatever. I can't think about him right now. He is gone, I am out of hiding from my room.

And I am in full-on crisis mode. And I can't say why. Something happened a couple of years ago. Something that never should have happened. And it got triggered today in a BIG ASS WAY. I am totally paranoid and scared and sick to my stomach and oh my christ, I have two bright red stripes going down the front of my thighs, how am I going to hide these from him? And it will just make him angrier and I so well know what he is capable of when he is angry. I want to run away.

He is not a bad person. As the rest of us who aren't bad people, he can be capable of bad things, and making poor decisions that affect people's lives in ways that he cannot fathom. If he were a bad person, I would have left. I have left bad situations in far poorer mental health than I am in now, slept in a car with my cat, the works. I know how to leave a habitually bad situation. That is not what we have here. We have two people who have been together for 18 years, one, after being raised by a bitter, in pain, invalid mother, has found himself caring for his wife, a bitter, in emotional pain, social invalid, and he is burnt the fuck out. He needs to go to Doctor B. I think after today, if he can relax for a minute, might just pound that home.

What we're not going to do is tell him what I did to my legs today. At least not until things calm down. Because he will make the truck work and take me straight to Monte Vista, the psych hospital, and drop me off to go through the intake process alone, and then not come to family conference, or to visit.

I can't say honestly that I won't hurt myself again tonight. It is entirely possible. I've queued up a ton of work to do in Photoshop and things to post on the 3,782 social media sites I post on, so I should be able to keep busy for several hours, not thinking of any of this. And NOT listening to Gaga's new song, under ANY circumstances. The choices are, Irish Punk, Psychobilly, or some old fashioned retro California punk. Or maybe I'll just listen to the soundtrack to Labyrinth, I can't watch the film in this mood, the girl's youthful overacting (which Jennifer Connelley grew out of and became a great actress), just turns me off and makes me wish for the "bulge" or the Muppets, or the scene where one piece of Bowie's weave is so obviously out of place and he is giving a menacing speech. If I were Boggle, I would have laughed right at him and called for hairdressing. Which, maybe he did, editor's floor and all.

I could watch the Gaga/Muppets xmas special from the year before last. That cheers me up. Seeing Kristin What's-her-name (Craig Ferguson's favorite pet guest, she had a feud going with Geoffry the Robot) be all timid and stiff and very very short when face to face with an overdressed for backstage Gaga provides me nothing but humor. But it's jealousy and schadenfreude. What I wouldn't give to spend three awkward scripted minutes with the Mother Monster. I would be positively dumbstruck. Kristin was at least able to recite her lines with a bit of convincing.

And Miss Piggy is just tired in this. I'm go glad Kermie has a new lady friend, I hope she is as talented as Piggy, but without all the feather boas and sexy men and sequins and more hair changes than that millennial singer who always wears wigs (insert name of first vapid pop star that comes to mind).

Or, I could watch "V", with the volume turned down and my Mozart playlist on. They sync up well. I don't know where I got the collection, but it's kind of a greatest hits done by the Australian Symphony Orchestra. I didn't even know that Sydney had a Symphony Orchestra, but I guess it makes sense with the Opera House, and all the national celebrations feature operatic singers. Culture in the outback.

My fucking legs hurt. I have iodine. I have enough Neosporin to cover about an inch of one stripe. I have gauze and tape, of course. The one thing I was proud of in the previously posted picture, no stretch marks. In five or six years, they will have healed and faded to look like one giant stretch mark down the front of my thighs. That will be attractive. Now I can't wear miniskirts (I either wear minis or really long skirts, if I suddenly decide to girl) without tights. Good thing I saved all my tights. They are all opaque, so the scabs won't be visible through them.

I have roughly 9-10 hours before Doc gets back home. I haven' taken my Latuda today, I haven't eaten. I think I'll make another turkey hoagie and Cool Ranch Doritos. Then take it. I only have enough for three turkey hoagies, so that will last me until tomorrow.

The extra Xanax is starting to kick in. My heartbeat has slowed down. I'm not as scared, in fact I think I'll go out and have a cigarette on the back porch and check out the temp. It only got to 95 here today, but high for autumn, but heralding rain clouds. Will still be cool tonight. I'm wondering what time I will open all the windows and let the air circulate. The house always smells so fresh when I do this.

Okay, i just finished a piece called "Stigma Run". And I made a perect pony bead bowl last night. And today I made a ton of CD bowls. Small ones, made on a skinny mold, and larger ones, made with a larger ramekin. The largest ones got wee feet of colored glass. I thought the feet were overkill on the small ones, but damn,they look awesome. Another Pinterest Win. That's three in the last 24 hours. I just have to make the graphics for them.

As far as "Stigma Run", that will be posted to the Patreon Patron board tonight sometime. The Pinterest wins will be posted on Facespace. Both my personal site and my "fan" site, If you haven't liked my "fan" page yet, please do, so FB quits bugging me about getting 100 followers. http://facebook.com/fabulousdisaster. As an added incentive, I've started giving away my top secret media links, and, if I have them, examples of the posted techniques. Other times it's free music, or stock images or some other link I can't do without.

Okay, I've calmed down. 10 minutes til Scorpion. Time for a hoagie.
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