I'm not . . .
I just . . .
I'm actually crying right now. This morning has broken through my apathy and I am sitting here, weeping.
To recap: Lilliane found me a great computer for $234, if I bought it last night. Doc was leery of the "buy it right now or lose the deal" aspect of it and shut me down. Around 10, I got an email from his bank telling me he had checked his balance. So I waited up past my bedtime, waiting for an email or text from him with the card info to buy the laptop, figuring that he would have woken up and seen sense by then. No email. No text. I eventually gave up and went to bed.
When I got up this morning, I checked on the laptop and it was up to $320. I was pretty heartbroken that there were no emails from Doc or newegg.com telling me he had purchased it before the price went up. When he got home, he asked about the laptop and I told him it was no longer on special and the new price. He asked if it was worth it, I explained all the reasons why it was. After all, I paid $500 for this and that laptop was the big brother of this. He (in true Trump fashion) turned the whole thing around on me and blamed me for not pushing him, though his dickishness last night was entirely due to the fact that he imagined that I was pushing him, which I explained to him and he denied. He denied it all and kept saying it was my fault.
By the time he decided to turn over the card, and I got registered at newegg.com, the price had gone up another $67 dollars, bringing it up to $387. Completely out of our price range. He didn't even say he was sorry. He just said I should have told him last night. Which I fucking did.
During all of this, this morning, during a calm moment, I asked Doc if he would take some pictures of me with the wheel barrow. I had been thinking about it most of the night and morning to distract from the laptop disaster I knew was coming. I had an outfit picked out, I did my hair, I cleaned up the area around the wheel barrow and gathered some other yardly props. He said no, it was weird. So I untangled all of my cords in the corner and got enough USB cords to take a webcam outside, I would just let it run, capturing every 15 seconds, and would be bound to get something I liked.
I came in to look at the shot, and I was looking at a very wide view of my backyard. The wheel barrow was but a small piece. I moved the cam towards it and checked it again, unacceptable white balance and exposure. I messed with the settings, but nothing was fixing what that Logitech cam was doing to the outside world. So I wrapped up the cord and brought it back in. Then Doc announced that he was going to sleep. It's 10 in the morning. I don't want to sleep. I'm just too upset. Taking pictures of me for possibly the cover of my EP, or for use in my art is weird. No, constant selfies are weird. I don't necessarily like always holding the cam in front of me. Sometimes I want other people to hold the camera. And he is the only people I know.
No, it's weird. Fuck him. Fuck him to hell.
Losing the laptop was my fault. Fuck him twice to hell. He did it on purpose. Oh, plus, while I was in the middle of working on the computer today, I got up to check on something and when I got back, he had taken the computer. He does this all the time. Fuck him with a chainsaw.
Now I'm going to have to get some $200 brand new HP piece of shit that is barely equal to this, has a much smaller screen and one of those mini keypads. So the extra keyboard will come in handy. I am so pissed. This so didn't need to happen.
He got a time-sensitive piece of mail from his HR the other day. So when I brought it in, I left it on the table in front of where he sits. When I woke up that day (it was the day he came home early), it was on the table in front of me. So I asked him why. He says, "No, what I am wondering is what the fuck it was doing on the table in front of me." I explained it was addressed to him, and it was marked time sensitive and it was from his employer, so I thought he would want to see it. He just grumbled "whatever" at me.
What is going on with him? It's like he's turned into a pouty teen ager. I don't know what to do with him, because it is really fucking with my head. He blames his anti-depressant on being a dick, but he only takes them every other day, and he is a dick all the time. And I am clueless how to deal with it. He won't make an appointment with my shrink because of the initial appointment costing more. But he won't call the insurance company and give them the info they need to apply the money we've paid to our deductible. How do I work with this? He goes to work. He comes home, eats, sleeps, gets up, goes to work. Repeat.
Tomorrow is my make-up doctor's appointment. When we were walking to the one I was supposed to have, we were walking really fast, and that makes my left hip hurt a lot. So I had to stop, it was hurting really bad and he had promised no fast walking. He told me to do torso stretches. I told him that wouldn't do my hip any good. He insisted. We were standing on the Boulevard with tons of traffic, and I said, no way am I doing stretches for nothing in front of all these people, and turned around. He grabbed a handful of flesh on the back of my arm and pinched, hard. I tried to spin around and ended up taking a swing at him. It didn't connect, I can't punch. When he let go of me, I turned around and started walking home. He followed at a safe distance. On my way home, I called Robin and told her I wasn't going to make it, I was crying and panting from the walk, and she was totally empathetic. We'll see how tomorrow goes.
Rule Number 1: Never touch a Cydniey in anger.