Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

In Which We Talk About ECT: Electro Convulsive Therapy

Or, as it is commonly known, electro shock. When I had it done in 2005(?), it wiped out the bulk of the 80's, 90's and right up to the day I first had it done. That was the cumulative effect of multiple treatments, I don't remember how many I had. The only thing I held tight to was music.

From a very early age I was very personally touched by music. I got very into songs that I liked. As a child, I was mostly exposed to John Denver, The Carpenters, and The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I loved John Denver for his clever metaphors and turns of phrase. I loved the Carpenters for the flawless beauty and clarity and emotion of Karen's voice, and she became my first Icon. I also liked their lyrics for their simplicity.

As I got older, I gravitated toward college stations and punk, but always held tight to U2. I have no memories to go with "The Joshua Tree", but I know every song by heart, and the order of them. They pull at a part of my brain that is shut off to me. I have emotions that go with the songs, different emotions for different songs, but I have no clue at all what or who generates them. All I see in my head is a dashboard and a windscreen and the hood of a mid-century car with a big screen beyond, the film has run out and there is just darkness on the screen and I can hear the static over the music in my headphones.

There is something about the song, "Exit". I never know it when I hear it, but it always moves me deeply. When I first signed up with youtube, it was the very first song I favorited. Years later, when I went back to that account, I couldn't remember doing it. I listened to the song, and felt I'd never heard it, it was live. It wasn't until two years after that, that I was listening to "The Joshua Tree" and it came on and just yanked my heart out of my chest and rolled it around. To this day I have no idea.

So yeah, two high school sweet hearts, gone. Abusive rich ex? Gone. Most of my relationship with Doc? See ya. My odessy to Mardi Gras? I have some pictures of that one.

Fickle shit, electricity. Got to watch it every second.

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