I have been so defeated since I got denied. So worthless.
Today I transformed from a Sasquach into a girl again for the summer. It took the electric trimmers and a lady's razor to complete that job. I stuffed cigarettes, trimmed an ounce to supply me for a couple of weeks (it's still my last crop), showered, shaved, did the dishes, picked up the dog poop, and tried on a lot of clothes before settling on an outfit. AND I STILL FEEL LIKE SHIT. And now I have a four page letter explaining why I feel like shit. And that I've been done wrong.
I may have to ask Doc to take over for me as advocate. I'll get the paper work, but this whole thing has traumatized me and I don't know how I would do representing myself at a hearing. He might have to represent me.
And I was going to make a positive post today. So let's get on with that.
How am I doing on my new medication regimen? It's been 6 months of taking the maximum doses of Seroquel, Cymbalta, and Xanax. I haven't gained any weight from the Seroquel, in fact I have lost some weight, and the positive and negative symptoms are down, though the cognitive symptoms are up because Seroquel exacerbates them. My depression is much lessened. I've always been a melancholy sort. But now I am at least able to take care of the house cleaning and pet needs. My sleep is regular and good. I have night terrors about once a week, down from every night.
I washed, no scrubbed my hair. then I deep, really deep conditioned it. Then after towel drying, I rubbed some healing oils into the ends to counteract the flat iron that I am going to apply to it when I'm done writing this. I really do hate my hair in its natural state now. When it's curly, it just looks trashy with the long roots and bleach blonde. When it's straight, the roots look intentional, and cool. And the blonde doesn't look so trashy. I'm not dying it any colors because we don't have the money for the dye.
Last night I mentioned that I could pick up a decent DSLR camera for under $200, and Doc got all interested. He told me the other day that my photography has come a long way. that was a surprise to me. Last night I was out smoking a cigarette and I rushed in to grab my two favorite cameras and Doc started to ask me about it, then said, "No, just go, get the picture, I'm sure it will be beautiful." How cool is that? Doc, who never comments on my art, unless it's to tell me it doesn't make sense. What I was capturing that time was a grey sky with a bright white contrail going across it. I may have to run it through a few filters to really bring out the contrast, but it is a beautiful picture.
Then he suggested that we hit the Bellagio sometime this weekend so I can photograph the atrium.
Plus, the other night, he came up with the perfect title to my art installation. "Misplaced Keys: Doesn't She Have a Pill for That?". So perfect.
I can't wait until his ukulele gets here and the house is filled with his music and his passion. Then we can both create. And he will finally have an outlet of his own.