Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

I think sick leave is over.

I just noticed something as I got up from my nap. Firstly, it was 87 degrees in the house. So I rectified that and turned on the a/c. Then I went in to my room to get some cooler clothes to wear. I had on a pair of black jeans and a sleeveless black flannel shirt. I started digging in my closet and found a black prairie skirt and put it on and realized that 99.7% of the time, I cross-dress. All of my clothes, with the few exceptions of a couple of skirts, are men's clothes. My shoes and boots are men's. My underwear are women's, but as manly as I can get them. Only my bras are meant for women. And I hate them with an undying passion. You've no idea how I resent society for making me wear the damn things. Curious.

I reloaded my play list with songs last night. Lots of Dropkick Murphy's and Pogues. No more Black Flag or Rollins Band. More Danzig. Less folk. The entirety of "Songs of Innocence" (U2). No more George Michael or Adam Ant. More Madonna.

As I was filling out my Medicare application the other night, Doc and I had a serious conversation about whether or not I need a Smail (housekeeper/caretaker - see "Benny and Joon"), because Medicaid may cover that. But we talked about what that would really mean. It would mean structure. And I'm not sure I want that. I have my own schedule, such as it is. Having to live by a clock, like in the hospital sounds like it would sap my will to live. I'm medication compliant, so I don't need help with that. So we decided no, no Smail for me, for now.

We also talked about Frances Farmer and Rosemary Kennedy. Frances was locked away for years. And I'm afraid if I get coverage for long term committal, that will become an option in Doc's head. He says it isn't. He says as long as he sees me trying, I should stay at home.

Speaking of sanity, my main hallucination (so they tell me), now has a little girl. She stands in the middle of the hallway. I see her there when I'm outside smoking and the hallway is dark. She has dark hair, cut like mine when I was little. She wears a short white dress and has no hands. Shadow man has no hands, either. My mind doesn't seem to render hands. Or rather it renders them like my mom used to draw them in her renderings of historic costumes in college. She would just draw two gently curved, converging lines to indicate hands. That's what the Shadow people have. No, I haven't told Doc or Kelli.

I'm not going to go look for the scale or anything, but I'm getting thinner. I still have these awful love handles and pot belly, but my butt and thighs are thin. I know this because of the fit of this skirt. Or, that it fits at all. It didn't fit last summer, I couldn't pull it up past my thighs. Now it is loose on me. And I've got the PMS Bloat right now, so I'm feeling pretty confident.

I'm letting Doc sleep as long as possible. My plan is for us to take the bus to the Strip tonight. The Bellagio Hotel/Casino has this awesome huge atrium that they do up in different elaborate landscapes for each season/holiday. Though it is so obvious, this is the FIRST year they have done a traditional Japanese rock garden in the space. And it opened yesterday. I must have photos. And Doc must have the chance to quietly meditate in a space near to his heart and heritage. And it's FREE. All we have to pay is bus fare. That reminds me, I need to charge up a passel of batteries.

We may need to go tomorrow while it is light. I'm noticing in pictures that they don't light it up at night. And I really want to use the flashless camera for a few shots and some video.

Obligatory song lyrics:
"Now I'm gonna draw the line, 'cause you ain't gonna take my mind."

Incidentally, I used that line on four people in my life. Only one recognized it and busted me for it. The singer was my ultimate idol in the early to mid-80s. Her voice has the same wide range that Kate Bush's has, and she even covered a Kate song (Wuthering Heights), but her music style has nothing to do with Kate's.

I miss being an internet DJ. Oh, I got my Clammr info. I just need to sit down and work on it. It's going to be like work. I have to update regularly to keep my shit at the top of rotation. I also will need to make short clips talking about my work, you know, like personal notes to my "faithful listeners". Getting in at the beginning is good, but it means in 6 months I will have to work that much harder to garner attention on the same platform. Conversely, the immediacy and guarantee of an audience has prompted me to do more dramatic readings, get more into it when I am performing a piece. Vacation's over, I've been out sick for thirteen years. I think sick leave is over.

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