Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

I just don't fucking know anything anymore.

Doc and I had a long. hard. painful talk last night. And I don't think we really resolved anything. I tried to explain to him that when he says he doesn't believe me about something, he is calling me a liar. He expressed that I was using my symptoms as an excuse to be a selfish, muttering, manipulative, withdrawn, fearful, apathetic bitch. I stared at him like he had just slapped me. And I held his gaze until he looked away and tried to change the subject.

Meanwhile, I'm going through all of these documents on schizophrenia, looking for treatments for the "Negative" symptoms, and the cognitive symptoms. What positive symptoms I have, paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, I have under some kind of control. But I still have them. I'm almost to the point in my medication therapy where I get a new label: treatment resistant. At which point, Clozapine is used. Look it up, if you have a minute. it is a nasty-ass drug. It was pulled in the UK after a few years because it is so nasty.

And I'd really only be able to start it in hospital because of all the labwork that is needed in the first month of taking it. It is also well known for causing weight gain by slowing the metabolism to a crawl, and vastly increases your risk of diabetes. I do not want to take this drug. And so I am willing my symptoms to go away. And it isn't working.

And I don't even know what the short term, day to day side effects are. Like, does it zombify? Will I end up sleeping 18 hours a day? Will I be able to keep track of what day it is? (This is real, I couldn't do it on Haldol)

Fuck, I wish Kelli would move out here. I'm selfish, yes. She steadies me and makes me better just by being around.

Here are the words I remember best from last night, and I paraphrase: I can't take much more and you're not going to be able to live here anymore and we're not going to be able to live together anymore and this life will be over. That's what he said to me. Then he pretended like nothing happened. I was floored. I still am. Today I was given instruction not to talk to him before work. He got up four hours before leaving for work. That was fun-filled.

I just don't fucking know anything anymore.
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