Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

An Open Letter to Those I Hurt or Pushed Away

It was for your own good.

How lame does that sound?

I'm not saying I couldn't have handled it better. I certainly could have. If I had known half of what I know now . . . hindsight and all of that. My excuse? If I must put one out there? I was crazy. Certifiably mentally ill. And it was much worse than what any of us knew back then.

All things considered, it's lucky I didn't kill you all. I didn't know what to do with any of you. I had nothing to give, and so much that I needed but couldn't articulate. So I just took what you gave and then bolted. Sometimes with a few ugly scenes to go along with my exit.

There were times I was unmedicated. There were times I was wrongly medicated. I come from a house of dark secrets.

But with what I know now, I know that none of you could have handled me. None of you could have lived with me through this. Even the venerable Jeff Rizzo had to shut the door on me. I was more than a handful and all hot liquid.

As much as I hurt you, or tried to, to drive you away, it was nothing compared to what you would have seen had you stayed.

I found what I think are the only two people on this planet who can handle me. I married one for his private insurance to get help and avoid getting lost in the Medicare psych system. The other lives across the country and we talk twice weekly for an hour or more. And she comes out to visit and decompress about once a year. This is my support system. And they are very special people, with superhuman powers of patience and caring. And they are both good at faking understanding what I am talking about.

They know things, like when to reign me in and when to let me go.

They don't tell me punk is dead. They let me dress up my dog in pleather and black hoodies.

It's all so much more complicated than we assumed it would be in the future. Everyone thought I would grow out of it, but I was just growing into it.

I just want you to know that none of it was your fault. You probably already know that. Most of you probably wrote me off decades ago. But I remembered you. I remembered that I did you wrong but I felt like I was doing the right thing. I was saving you from me by any means necessary,even if meant making you hate the very thought of me for the rest of your life. Better than loving me and watching me nearly drown on several occasions throughout my life, no matter how much you love me or I love you. Mental Illness is a selfish thing, very very selfish, and I've got a corner on the market.

So, that's all. I'm sorry. Blip on your radar. Unblipping now. Thanks for your attention.

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