Like I've said, I've shut down emotionally. To many feels at once. Retreat!
Later in the day, could qualify as the night . . .
LeLu is laying next to me on the couch, wrapped in my favorite t-shirt, purchased at a thrift store in Philly, originally from the Gap, the same summer we got LeLu. It's meant to be her burial shroud. I think she knows this. She doesn't shrug it off, she just lays there curled up in it, breathing in a labored way. She will do her best to not let me out of her sight. Once I realized this, I started carrying her around with me. Her output is completely liquid.
I can't take any pictures of her because she is a mess. covered in spit and blood and electrolytes and food. We try to clean her off, but she puts ALL her energy into fighting us, and we don't want that. We want her to spend all of her energy feeling our love. And trying to eat. We have five or so cans of cat food in the fridge that she has declined. All of her favorites and a couple of new ones.
She has NO body fat left. I pet her head and can feel every bone of her skull clearly.
Vet said her pain level seems low, and yes, she does seem close to the end. Take our weekend with her, and make the final decision Monday. We are masochists, we are dragging it out since she isn't in pain. It's not hurting anyone to hold and cuddle and love her. I'm just praying like a southern baptist that she doesn't cross the bridge on my watch. I've watched two cats die, and that was plenty. It isn't that I wish it on Doc. It's just that it's easier for him to live through it than miss it.
Today, during a moment of civility to me, he announced, "No more cats!", like it needed to be said. This one is bad because this one we have been with for 17 years. Almost the entire time we have been together. It's kind of ominous in a way.
Puts the hacking into perspective. I'm on one site begging for money to cover my meds, and on another site talking about no amount of money will solve the LeLu issue. I could so milk that. I guess that's the difference between me and some other people.
It's even weirder because two of my most respected and longest friends are the people that have added to the fund, they say in the FAQ that's how it should be. But it feels weird. I cannot express to them the gratitude I feel. I'm almost halfway to my goal.
Basically the only thing other than the 'no more cats' thing that I heard from Doc today at less than yelling level was, a deep, guttural growl. "You need to find a way to get that money back, this is because of your fucking around." There was more, but he was walking away from me, so I was unable to cogently piece it together. It was probably Korean, anyway.
With a great deal of help from a great deal of knowledgeable people at #stoprush, we have figured out that the original suspect I had my eye on for this incident likely had nothing at all to do with it. It was more likely a troll. Could be from my stop rush activities, but one we identified was near St. Louis, so it could have been sparked by my #ferguson hashtag activism. Or the troll we identified trying to dig around my domain and frequenting another site I also go to has nothing to do with the "incident", he's just some bored wannabe blackhat trying to guess my file structure, for some weird reason. He likes looking at my 404 image? I mean, it's a cute picture of me, but it's just the one picture over and over for each error.
Somehow I am going to try to get an essay out of this. I doubt I will shop it around. I'll just post it on tumblr and let it be. But an essay about keeping your head in online activism and never letting things get personal and never assume you think you know all your online weaknesses. I was geared up to do a "fictionalized" version of the story with the people I suspected, but since it looks like it was absolutely not them, I don't even have to mess with that. The last thing I need is someone coming after me for libel. Beware idiots with too much money. Poor people are their dolls and lawyers the trains that run over the people.