It was suggested to me that I set my monetary goal higher, because of time, trouble and whatever this is going to do to my brain. But I couldn't. If it goes over, I guess I'll go with it, but frankly I doubt I'll raise the $110 I set as my goal.
So I'm sitting here with U2 in my ears. Songs of Innocence and random live performances I got off youtube, all mixed together. It's nice.
I've been having symptom breakthroughs. I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm on the best cocktail of meds that I've had in years. Unless you count the Haldol years, where I was a zombie and incapable of dressing myself, let alone acting all crazy. I don't count those years as a success. I'm not completely treatment resistant. I just seem to need a lot more of the medication than is allowed. At least the Shadow Man isn't here tonight. I've actually been pretty good today.
The paranoia that the "incident" set off naturally, has been offset by pure, white hot rage. And I have to be nice because I'm asking for money from people that I barely know. I have to smile. Most of all I have to NOT come off as some victim. I'm not that. I won't be that. I'm just a sister in need. Circumstances what they are, I am relying on something I said I never would: human kindness.
I've gotten terrific support from the #stoprush crowd. I wish I could get more support from the #mentalhealth group. I don't know, I don't feel at ease with them, I feel like I'm being too loud in class when I talk to them, and social pressure and I get all confuzzled and put my foot in it and . . . ugh.
so pass the word to any philanthropists you may know. there's also always the "support" page at fabulousdisaster.com, where you can buy something I made or wrote and I will eventually get a commission for it. That way you get something for your money more than a warm feeling in your tummy. Tea can do that.