Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

And they still owe me a box of xmas ornaments.

I'm doing a quality control check on the crop tonight, so I'm trying to get as sober as I can. I'm ready to stab a bitch, so I'd say I'm pretty much there. We have to sacrifice two of our plants because allotted room under light. There are two that are under performing, so I got a sampling of buds from them today to try tonight without any curing or proper drying just to see where it's at. The strong plants still have another two or three weeks on nutes and light and then the hanging and drying, then the trimming and curing. Then it's mine, all mine.

Boomer likes to watch TV. She curled up next to me on the couch today and watched Burn Notice with me. She really likes the explosions. She gets really into it, so when something does blow up, she jumps a little bit. It is so freaking cute! I knew she was special when I saw her picture on the website. Now I know that she needed me, and I needed her. And she is relaxing bit by bit and showing her true personality. She likes to be up. So I'm going to clear some of the computer desk's upper shelves for her to climb on.

I didn't dare tell Doc I did all that reading on the church last night. he would have bopped me on the forehead. It's the only solid way I can get some of that time back. Ideally, my old friend in CA would send me my old letters to him, and my mom would relent and give me the photos from my childhood. But neither of those things is going to happen because neither of those people are interested in my healing. So I'm left with few choices. I am determined to put as much of my life back together just long enough to look at it and learn what I can, and then let it go. But the holes, the gaps, they are unbearable.

I found my alter ego on the web. It has me living at my parent's address. That's cool with me. Weird internet stalkers can go murder them in their sleep. At least then I might get the photographs. There is no address info for Cydniey Buffers. There used to be a PO Box connected to me, again, that's in PA, sure, go look for me there. Take a warm coat.

But my spoken word has been stolen and distributed far and wide. I'm credited everywhere, so I don't mind. I just have absolutely no idea how much exposure I've had because of it. And a couple of them come up pretty high in the search. Even before my twitter account. the big problem is that my site, is way down in the pages of the search. so people aren't finding that by knowing my name unless they are really looking. In fact, comes up before though the first leads to the second.

I am becoming obsessed with getting noticed again. with my talent getting recognized by someone with the power and desire to do something about it. I'm looking for something in a small cult following with occasional mentions in the main stream print/web media. I've been trying this various ways for 14 years. Nothing seems to work. Going viral is all about getting noticed by the one right person. And so far, none of those people have discovered me. Maybe if my name had been attached to my tweet on the Joy Reid show on MSNBC on Halloween, it would be different.

My writing is witty, powerful, and illicits a strong reaction from the readers. I cross promote myself on several social media platforms, without seeming pushy and all about the promotion. I have a friend who's twitter account consists of bragging, self-promotion, and thanking new followers. That's it. Oh, and one complaint about how people just use twitter for self-promotion. I used to re-tweet his promotional stuff for him, but he never did with mine. so fuck him. Funny enough, he's the one holding onto the letters I sent him for several years during my teens that would fill in high school for me. And his writing sucks. It is pompous, self-serving, and sophomoric. He sent me the first novel he published, and I can't even read it. It's so obvious it was written mainly in high school and not changed a lot in the years between then and its publication. My parents were so right to hate him, but for the wrong reasons. They should have hated him for being a self-righteous jack ass.

Yeah, I don't really keep friends. Except Kelli and Doc. They are different from anyone else. They both have been willing to make the sacrifices it takes to love me. And I don't know how. I could never do it. What they do. I could never take care of someone like me. I don't have the patience or compassion. I am way way way too self-centered. That was the first thing they both had to learn. That I was wrapped up in myself didn't mean I didn't love them any less. It just meant that the illness had gotten control and I was wrapped up in my blanket of selfishness. For survival reasons. But they are the ones that lead me out of the stores when my eyes glaze over and I start shaking my head no, and do the shopping later, without me. They are the ones that order the food because I am afraid of the waiter. They are the ones who go out to the mailbox when all I can do is stand in the doorway looking out, shaking violently and crying silently because I can't step outside. They remind me to take my meds when I seem off. They are the ones that deal with my rage at that question (built in response from my days with my parents that I really need to drop). It takes special people to do that. Right now, Kelli does what she can from across the country while her nephew grows up. Doc has most of the burden, though when I'm really out of control, I call Kelli.

I'm bored. Boomer needs to come back out. She has shown a definite preference for me. But she likes Doc, too. She just comes to me when she is scared or faced by another cat. She's still in hiss and growl phase. We just let her go. It's important that she is allowed to establish her own boundaries with each of them. And Chewy is her staunch defender and knight in shining fur. Felix dared growl back at her today and Chewy put Felix's whole face in his mouth for a moment. and then backed off and snorted at Felix. I am guessing that is Border Terrier for "Leave my kitty alone, derp face."

I was thinking about that email correspondence i was getting last year from my "brother". I wonder if it was him, or if it really was my mom. As soon as I told the person I didn't fully believe it wasn't my mom fucking with me, I stopped hearing from them. But that was the same time I gave the person "friend" access to this tome. And if it was Kelly, my brother, there is a lot that could have chased him away. I was pretty delusional when I wrote the stuff they wanted access to.

On Thanksgiving, my cousin, Teneal, the one I was never even told I had, and I discovered we're not speaking to anyone in our family except each other. I think my mother outed her to my Nana. That's just the kind of thing my mother would relish doing. "Oh, did I faux pas?" It's funny, Teneal was always really creeped out by my dad. She wasn't surprised to find out he actually is a creep. I never bothered to tell her that Doc and her dad almost got into a fist fight at New Year's day dinner,2000. And, still, Doc married me. I guess he was figuring he could eventually have the entire family killed if they bothered me. So far they have left me alone. Aside from the occasional passive aggressive note from my mom on FB.

And they still owe me a box of xmas ornaments.

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