Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

Happy Turkey Day

I get the distinct impression that Boomer has spent more than just two months in a cage. I'm really thinking she came from a hoarding situation. There was one in the news around the time she entered the shelter. She's in the quarantine room and I shut the doors to all the other rooms of the house and opened her door. She didn't run for the door. In fact, she kind of shrunk back from the gaping openness of it.

She met Major with hisses, and Teeny with growls. Chewy, she snuggled. Go figure.

I found "Rattatoulie" on the TV. So I'm happy. I've got a pumpkin pie to dig into. And I'm hoping Boomer will put in an appearance at some point.

I have to find my senior yearbook. I have GOT to know who this guy from high school on Facebook is. He seems very familiar with me, never fears to challenge me. So, either he knew me well enough to break through my hard candy shell, or didn't know me at all but made some unfortunate assumptions about me and my hard candy shell. And since I have absolutely no memory of his name, either I fucked him or I didn't know him. Either way, he wasn't important to me. I would fuck anyone in high school and college. Well . . . never mind, I don't want to get into it. It's a holiday, be merry!

I decided that it's okay if I'm not in the xmas spirit. I've been really wound up in the whole Mike Brown murder thing, thinking about my brother and sister and really internalizing it to an unhealthy point. I have to let go of that before I can get down to a Marshmallow World with Jingle Bells. I've got this medium sized, super dense ball of rage in my chest thinking about the times my white sister told me about my parents using the police's inherent racism (scary cops, Henderson cops, I've mentioned them before) as a weapon against my black siblings. Thinking about how racist my parents and their church were, and how White Privilege slapped the kids around at every turn.

Now my brother hates me. And my sister is dead. And I am isolated from the world, only letting it in voluntarily. And I let it in too far. I'm lucky that I don't get trolled on twitter. and I can't call what the guy on FB does trolling. He actually engages me in thoughtful, if passive aggressive dialog. So it's all me. I'm doing myself harm. So, I've really got to stop that because survival. Like I said a couple of weeks ago, the meds can't do it all. I've been reading research that tells me the scientists and pharma companies have no goddamn clue how or why the drugs I'm taking work. That's encouraging. I really wish we could perfect the justice system so we could run scientific tests on the really really guilty. You know, instead of our soldiers. We know nothing about the mind. It is keeping all of its secrets from us, like a game.

I am not shopping tomorrow. But that means very little in the greater scheme of things. I never shop. Unless you count online shopping. I do that occasionally. But I don't go out to the shops. Unless it's to adopt a cat and break down on the freeway and have ten minutes of terror. For that I will make an exception. As we saw yesterday.

We have to call maintenance in, and this time it's going to be sloppy. We have a utility box or something in the ground out back and it's been full of water and overflowing (it's like a marsh around it, a scary oasis in the desert of our yard). We really didn't know how much until we got this month's water bill. $75. It's usually $25. For two and a half years, it's been $25. Something is definitely wrong. I'm not even going to email this one in. I'm just going to call and talk to them because it's kind of hard to describe, I've just found. They're not as bright as you guys.

Man, I hope no one of import ever puts my real name to Cydniey Buffers. If they were really into doing the research and making assumptions, some people could get really pissed off. People who have shared tweets that I have shared have been d0xd, but never me. Follow the money, it leads back to Doc. All of it, mine and his. All of my business and money is in his name. Basically, I don't really exist. I am just a name that is connected to a number since birth. Those two things don't really equal a person. On the other hand, I am just a name with lots of photographic evidence that could have been faked. The two identities collided on FB for three years. Long enough to get in contact with people I missed, a Saudi prince, and a cousin I didn't know I had. Once that was done, I ditched the legal name from that account also. I would change it legally, but that would fuck everything all up.

You know what I want to know? Why don't I get trolled on twitter? I seem to be The Only One. I'm not kidding. Everyone on my TL is at one time or another responding to trolls, and I get silence. I've also gained like, 100 followers in the past three weeks (that's really fast for me, it took 5 years to get the first 500), yet none of them reply, retweet, or star my tweets. I really want to know why. I see people having conversations on twitter all the time, but it is rare for someone to converse with me. And I'm constantly trying to address what they are saying and engage. I retweet a lot. No one reciprocates. It's really frustrating. According to the articles I read, I'm doing everything right on the damn tweeter, but I remain invisible to all but a couple of people. Maybe everyone is lying. Hmmmm.

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