After all, we got "Bullit" from Netflix and I won't watch it because I'm afraid it will trigger me. It was filmed in my childhood home town, San Francisco. I'm not what you would call "steady" right now.
My new thing is helping strangers with mental illness on twitter with the upcoming holidays with advice garnered from my takeover of Xmas last year. when i threw out the traditions that doc and I were raised with and we did all new things. We're going to do that again this year. As soon as I can figure out what to with the cat tree, I'm putting the Xmas tree up. I haven't started with the carols yet, but that's just a matter of time.
Simon just had his outing. Every few days, for no apparent reason, he waits anxiously at the back door. When I see him, I open it to let him out. He runs out as if chased and runs down and around to the small gate and then starts a hyper attentive circuit of the yard, near the perimeter. He always stops at Evie's grave like he knows something is there. Then when he wants to come in, he hovers around the door outside, just out of my range of vision until i go out to have a smoke, then he bolts into the house, again, as if being chased. When I come in he follows me around and twists and twirls round my legs until I get down on the floor and pet him. Major is the brain damaged one, but Simon has some issues of his own.
I'm back to listening to "Songs of Innocence" over and over. But not in a melancholy way. For some reason it soothes me, comforts me and makes me feel, dare I say it, safe? And Bono's been in a cycling accident. I wish him the best. He got broken.
Now Simon is playing his favorite game, The Floor Is Lava. Freddie must be asleep between where he is and where he wants to be. She beats the shit out of him and he never hits her back. Vader, he hits back. But not Little Kitten-Head. He'll just walk away and sulk.
. . . And the the next night . . .
Another cat anecdote. It's okay, you can admit that's why you actually come here, just waiting for me to fuck up a cat. I know. This is a good one.
This morning, as I slept, doc took a bath and then brought Lelu into the mix. He successfully bathed her, and then started to brush her with one of those rubber brushes with the nubs on it that is super gentle, because though she is short furred, she is all over mattes. He concentrated on on on her thigh that was coming off anyway and got it off. Then he looked back down and realized that her skin had come off with the fur, leaving a hole about the size of a quarter. In the tub it didn't bleed, but it concerned him. so he got them out and dried off. And then it started to bleed, not a lot, but Lelu is white, so the slightest amount of blood on her is scary. I woke up to him calling from the bathroom, "Cydniey, I need you, I don't know what to do", so I got up and went into the bathroom.
He was in panic mode. I looked at it while he explained what happened and reassured him that cat's skin is much much thinner than ours or Chewy's and is prone to tearing and getting cut really easily. He decided the best course of action was to cover the area with New Skin to seal it off from the elements. It took both of us to hold her down so she didn't hurt herself when it was applied. we managed to hold her still through the stinging and long enough for it to dry. Then we left her in the bathroom with her favorite sleeping box for a while to let it scab up in a clean environment.
She doesn't even seem to be aware that it's there now. She's let me check it. Just the top layers of skin came off, revealing the capillaries. The extent of the earlier blood flow had been a couple of drops that gathered over about 15 minutes. In other words, she's fine.
The hardest part is comforting her. Petting her is not comforting, she rarely likes to be touched, she's always been that way. A cat that doesn't like pets, I know, weird. And since she's deaf, we can't use soothing tones (which also means we can freak out around her without her picking up the verbal and tonal clues) to help us help her.
God help me if Simon ever goes deaf. He is especially susceptible to tone and voice. I can calm him down with just my voice, which helps when he's in a fight with Freddie. I can't get in the middle of it, but I can usually get Simon to walk away from it. He, Major, and Felix are my boys. None of them want anything to do with doc. Simon will let Doc pet him and will sometimes lay next to Doc on the couch. Felix will sometimes let Doc pet him. And Major is pathologically terrified of Doc for what reason we cannot suss out.
I might be getting a cat/kitten for xmas. The Animal Foundation is having a "Name Your Own Adoption Fee" this week. And I told Doc I wanted a kitten for xmas. He said he'd think about it and to mention it in a couple of days. No problem. He sees it as another mouth to feed, but he also thinks of it as another life saved. We are not naive about the kill rate at the Animal Foundation. A lot of animals are needlessly euthanized because they don't have the room to house them. So borderline healthy and behavioral problem animals die. We know this, that is why we so actively support them. When we're full up on animals, we give small amounts as charitable gifts to them. We just don't go to the events, because Chewy doesn't like other dogs, and a park full of them would terrify him.
The block is all lit up for xmas. I don't plan on decorating the outside of the house. I do pan to go all out with the tree again, though. I can't believe it's been almost a year since i heard from my parents. Of course the last thing I said to my mother wasn't very nice and was TOTALLY passive-aggressive. I learned from the best. I trolled my mom, heh.
Why is Sunday TV so annoying? No MSNBC. I'm stuck with whatever crap CNN is airing. Because I don't watch Lockup, which is what MSNBC plays all weekend. I watched it once and it was about prisoners and a special program for them to adopt kittens. And it completely made me see prisoners in a new light. As they prepared their cells for the new comer and how excited they got. And watching the cats, usually tethered to something so they didn't wander far from their home cell, love it. They got so much attention and love from the inmates, it was just amazing. I wanted to find one of them and become his pen pal, send him pictures and stories of my cats. I was really depressed when I found out from MSNBC that I couldn't find out his identity from them. A modicum of confidentiality. So I don't watch it anymore.
I've got my eyes on a female pen pal now, a soldier. I'm looking around the adopt-a-soldier sites, hoping to find a friend I can support and send care packages to. I'm a mean baker. And if she's in the mid-east, send her girlie-type things that she can't get over there to make her feel not so far from home. That's my thing for the new year. Try to communicate like a regular person. I suck at in person and telephone communication, but I rock at email and written letters. So this is a thing that is good for me without pushing me outside my comfort zone. and it involves another person relying on me.
I've decided to work with Doc, Kelli and my doctor. Instead of a strict time schedule, I am following a set order of things. I get up and then my day is planned. I start with gatorade and a smoke. Then go to coffee and another smoke. Then I start my chores. Then I sit and watch TV for a while. Then I cook something to eat. The I do whatever Doc needs me to do. If I need to, I nap. If not, I find things around the house that need to be done while Doc sleeps. Then there is the awakening process. And the getting him out to work process. Then I'm alone for the night. I play on social media until I feel tired and then take my night meds and go to bed. It should go hour by hour, but I take my meds and go to sleep at different times each night. And those take a certain time to work out of me. I must sleep while they are active. Which is why I don't get up at a set time every day. I wake up when the Seroquel wears off. Sometimes it's 7 hours, sometimes it's 10.
I will also research vitamin D rich foods and try to start eating some of them. They've found a link between symptomatic schizophrenia and vitamin D deficiencies.
And I will for force myself to go to luminosity.com and try to play the mind games.
How do you just make yourself like vegetables?