Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

I feel so detached from that part of me.

So . . . Evie died. And she's buried in front of the baby palm out back and covered with leaves she used to lay in. My favorite picture of her is framed and up on the Cat Shrine with her collar. This all happened a while ago. It's hit me in the gut a couple of times. Once was today when I was walking Chewy and saw a black cat near where Evie used to hang out. I first thought, "It's Evie!" But then he turned around and it was Vader. My heart sank. I want my Evie back. Felix has been sleeping on my legs where Evie used to. So I have dreams about her. I'm asking for a cat for Xmas. I can't deal with this hole in my heart. I need to fill it with a cat-shaped thing. Preferably another black one. Maybe calico.

I found a one-eyed kitten I wanted, but Doc said no. I know it killed him to deny that one. I didn't even show him the picture. It would have changed his mind, but would have seemed manipulative. and he thinks I do that enough, when I don't. Hopefully the Animal Foundation will have a holiday special and we can go and I can pick out a new cat to add to the menagerie.

I am now completely convinced that Windows Media Player is sentient and can read my thoughts, or at least my underlying mood. Instead of picking me up the last couple of days, my beloved play list has been feeding me sad stuff that pushes me nearer the edge. "Two Hearts Beat as One", that's a little better.

I haven't worked on my smashbook at all. all the stuff is sitting on top of the scanner. Just waiting for me to get inspired. and I feel like I'll never be inspired again. I look at the jewelry I've been selling on ebay and I wonder who made it. If it was me, how in the hell did I do it? I feel so detached from that part of me.
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