Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

The Origins Were All Wrong

I've been thinking a lot lately about my initial diagnosis in 1984 when I was 15. Bi-polar. Prescription: Lithium. It never did work. I still have the summation/report from the examining psychiatrists. My delusions/voices/hallucinations were summarized as an "over-active fantasy life". 1984, the sumer of the Olympics in Los Angeles, was also the summer of Bi-Polar and the new miracle drug, Lithium. This was pre-Prozac. It was also pre any of the anti-psychotic drugs that have actually helped me. But a few of the ones I've been on were around then, and would have calmed me down, basically given me a medical lobotomy to get through high school. How would my life be different?

What if they had connected the self-mutilation to the depression? What if they had ever recognized that I never had manic phases, just rage phases? What if everything hadn't depended upon the Lithium, which made me feel bad. Just like pre-flu, all the time. And when I wouldn't take it, they took me out of therapy and I didn't see another psychiatric professional until I was committed after a suicide attempt in high school. I stayed saddled with the "bi-polar" diagnosis until just a couple of years ago.

They started treating me with anti-psychotics about a decade ago experimentally. Then, while in a hospital, a Doctor who cared, and bothered to get me to communicate with him, rediagnosed me as having schizoaffective disorder and changed my medication appropriately. Finally.

I still have symptom break-throughs, where the meds don't cover everything. But for the most part I am what passes for stable for me. I can keep the house clean. That's a big deal. I couldn't keep my shit together to clean when I was younger. I credit the meds.

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