Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

My family was as mixed as my scrambled brain

I am a continuing victim of the nefarious Ferret Flu. I got up this morning at 7, a little later than usual, and went right back to bed after a cigarette.

I have done nothing with the house in a few days, and it looks it. Doc has been busy working and trying to take care of me. He's kept me in gatorade and roast beef sandwiches.

I've been moody the past few days. mostly anxious. last night, walking Chewy, I had two encounters with neighbors. They were pleasant enough, but freaked me out.

I've given up on trying to support the Ferguson protest effort on Twitter. I've been called a racist, a stupid little white girl, it goes on. To me they don't represent "black" people, just hateful people. My sister and brother weren't hate filled and angry all the time at white people, and I can think of no two people who had better reason to be. They were black. My parents were racist, white republicans. My Navajo sister hated white people, but her experiences were limited to Mormons, so I could hardly blame her. There is so much anger in Ferguson that they can't see past it. It never occurs to them that I come from a mixed-race family. That I've seen police prejudice and brutality up close and personal. I've been mixed up in it trying to protect my brother and sister. But I can't get that across in 140 characters or less. And I won't give in to the anger because it doesn't help anything. It eats away at you and makes you unable to empathize with other humans. And I have this ugly habit of playing devil's advocate, trying to get them to think past the rage to practical action. So I guess I am seen as a troll to some. It sucks. I'm really frustrated over this. Not that there's a lot that I could do but spread the message on Twitter. Write emails to officials. It's like I have to justify, as a white person with the dreaded disease of White Privilege, being on the side of the victims in MO. It's because I see my brother in the dead, and it breaks me. Yeah, I know, poor me. The other kids won't let me play on their playground. Like it's always been. At least this time I'm not being called "Nigger lover" and having rocks thrown at me anymore. The people on the Twitter can't hurt me. It's just so hard to see them hurting themselves with such vapid hate and blanket labeling of whites. God damn it, we're not ALL bad. It may be hard to find a good one of us, but when we show, take the time to take a deeper look.

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