Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

a little bit of all of the above?

i took a long bath. i recovered from that (too hot). i cleaned the kitchen. I stuffed too many cigarettes. I fed Lelu and let the other cats in. Well, went out and found Bagira and brought him in, and let Evie in. Bagira doesn't have the good sense to come in when he gets too hot. he was out there panting the other day and i still had to pick him up and bring him in. he gratefully lay down on the tile floor.

i think i'm going to stay up until doc gets up. i'm going to try. i don't know what else to do, though. except chain smoke. watch TV, Castle is on. I have to watch the news in 15 minutes to get the weather report for doc. He has to know how windy it's going to be so he knows if he should take the bike or the truck.

i know that somewhere deep down inside i am a very strong person. there was a time i wasn't defeated by everything. i don't know what happened. did i grow up and become so jaded that i became weakened? i am a much less idealistic and much more a fatalistic person than i was when i was younger. i've lost that feeling of indestructibility. i guess everyone does to an extent. but i don't seem to have done anything about it, i just let myself fester.

i have to think on that more. maybe i need to go back and read my old poetry and journals and find out who i was. i'm not who i was when i got here to Vegas, that person was fully delusional. i thought i was steps away from inexplicable fame, i lost my ever-lovin' mind. before that . . . when i first met Doc.

and maybe i am weak because doc lets me be. in a way no one else ever has. i don't know. a little bit of all of the above?

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