i do the things i need to, just the bare minimum. but i do it on automatic. i no longer care about the plants, i water them because doc expects me to. i feed the cats and the dog. i take care of the outside cats, but i'm no longer interested in getting to know Billy Idol. he's just a cat i care for. i just don't care.
i got to be with doc the other day and i was dead to it. i had to fake it with him for the first time in our relationship. that really displeases me. see, the anger is there. i'm angry at myself for being like this.
even sitting outside, nothing.
eating my favorite sandwich, nothing.
cuddling the cats or dog, nothing.
i can't stand this. i can't even bring myself to burn myself or something to shock myself out of this. that would be bad if i did, but you get my point.
the one good thing is that i have no interest in smoking pot. i do it occasionally out of habit or to see if it will make me feel better. but it doesn't and i soon, you guessed it, lose interest.
even reading, i just can't concentrate.
the voices, they scare me and put me in a state of near or full panic all damn day. i have to tell my doctor these things. i've been on the same dose of the same anti-psychotic for a long time, it may not be working anymore. but the Cymbalta should have me out of this. maybe i need more.
when i see the doctor in august, i'll tell him . . . or maybe i'll make a sooner appointment to discuss these things. i'm working well with sleeping, i don't need to deal with that mess for a while.
this isn't me. this isn't just hormones. unless it's more hormones than i've ever dealt with before.
okay, i found ten minutes of entertainment on TV. i have no hope for more. really, i'm on the verge of being emo here. it's a good thing i don't like to listen to sad music anymore. i used to listen to sad or angry music and just flip the fuck out. i grew out of that phase. i used to go to dark places that way. now i only listen to music to cheer me up. but i don't even want to hear Gaga.
Meatballs is on next, i need to change the channel. i thought it was Spaceballs. okay, local news is on in 6 minutes. that will buy me a half an hour. or pass me a half an hour. i could put farscape or firefly in the DVD player. maybe that would cheer me up. or watch burn notice on the computer.
i go around and around like this, and end up laying down. all the time. i scratch and claw for ways to fill chunks of time. now it's too late for me to go to sleep without being a grumpy fuck when i wake doc up. and that wouldn't be good. i try to avoid that and be as cheerful and coherent as possible because he is not. and one of us needs to be.
fuck it, i'm going to lay down.