the voice came back last night. and scared the hell out of me. doc stayed home with me, though he had no idea. i don't really talk about it while it's happening. i can't. it's like there is someone in the room talking to you. but there's no one there, and you know there isn't because you've been alone for hours but it wasn't the TV because it was much louder than you ever keep the TV. it's terrifying.
now doc's gone to bed. any voices i hear won't be his for 5 hours. i'm going to finish this and take a bath. nice, hot bath. read for a while. i'd hookah, but the one i was using was broken in a wind storm. and the other two i have are packed away.
the scars on my arms have an ugly habit of peeling. like sunburn, big pieces of skin, peeling, not just cracking or shedding or flaking. it only happens when i use lotion. the more often i use lotion, the more and worse it happens. this used to happen with make up. i used to put cover up on and by the time i got to school, it was peeling off, the skin, and the foundation, it was heinous. that's why i don't use make up. i just gave it up. my nose peels randomly, too. i have no idea why. and i stay out of the sun. i go through a lot to stay out of the sun.
so i have a bad mommy story. the week that Chewy had the paw licking thing, he was completely lethargic, too, and i didn't notice it except in hindsight. i saw him playing/fighting with Teeny yesterday and realized he hadn't done that in a week or more. nor had he run around like a mad dog for no reason like he tends to. and i totally didn't notice. i mean, it's hard to tell with him, he lays down curled up all the time. he is not an active dog at all. he has no interest in his toys or Greenies. he's very mellow. so doc says it's forgivable, because he didn't notice, either.
there, i took a nice, hot bath. got out into the a/c and air dried. then i stuffed a ton of cigarettes. that killed about an hour and a half.
i don't know yet if i'm going to stay up until doc gets up or sleep for a couple of hours. if i stay up i can watch Castle. it seems a waste to sleep through good TV, i spend o much time bitching about the bad TV.
doc just scared the hell out of me. one of the voices i hear now is doc's. and he just came out of his bedroom and called for me. i thought it was in my head and it scared me. then he continued to talk and i realized he was still asleep and just asking for his inhaler. this is disturbing. i think that's another reason i try to sleep so much, i can't hear the voices when i'm asleep. i'm just at peace as long as i don't wake up right after my dreams.
i have yet to find the perfect volume for my movie at night. too loud, and the screaming scenes wake me up. too soft and i strain to head what's going on when i wake up and i have to open my eyes and try to focus them on the screen to see what is on. because when i wake up in the middle of the night, i am never awake, really. are any of us as we stumble to the bathroom, hitting walls and peeing on auto-pilot? how many of us remember these trips. i used to get up and have a cigarette in the kitchen and then go back to bed. and be unaware of it the next day until doc told me.
i'm so tired already of hearing about Hilary Clinton. we'll hear enough about her when she's president. can't we shut up about her now?