Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

i can't even fake it now.

i can't express this verbally, so maybe i can write it down.

i have no motivation. i can do the things that need to get done, but i don't want to do anything else. no writing, no art, no computer. i just want to lay down and sleep. i don't even want to be stoned. i just don't care about anything. they cymbalta isn't working. and i have to wait til august to fix it.

maybe i'll order some adderall online. if i take a small enough dose, i should be fine. and i don't have to tell my doctor about it. unless it really works.

i'm so tired of being lazy. you don't know the guilt i feel over it and the shame. why can't i be normal and function like a human being? being sick is just getting to be an old excuse. i've been on medication for 15 years and i'm no better off than i was before. i functioned before the meds. not well, but i faked it. i can't even fake it now.

i'm not morose, i'm not "depressed". i'm not crying at everything like usual, i'm just dead inside.
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