Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers


the only thing keeping me from shaving my head right now is the fact that the clippers are in doc's bathroom and he's asleep. i really don't care what i look or smell like anymore. and my hair is bugging me.

maybe i should take a xanax. i just made myself a coffee. it's good.

i ate today. breaded shrimps and cheese sticks. i didn't want to, but doc wouldn't give me the cola until i ate. i have some ground beef to cook and make nacho meat out of. maybe tomorrow morning the idea of cooking beef won't make me so sick as it does now.

i wonder if there is any conceivable way i could get Chewy registered as a companion dog so i could keep him. it would probably take more time and money and training than i have. but i could look into it. i have a lot of free time since taking Twitter out of my bookmarks.

i hate commercials where they play some song at the end which is nothing more than some woman wailing unintelligibly for five seconds. why? so i will hate your product? so it stands out as one that must always be avoided? who is this shit being marketed to? another sign i just don't fucking belong out in society.

waited all week for Cosmos, woke up especially for it. can't concentrate on it. want to change it.

i'll never be happy again, will I? But was I ever really happy? Or have I just been faking it while waiting for it to be real? i don't know any more. i really don't.

the animals are so in tune with me. i spend 24 hours a day with them, they should be. several cats are gathered on the couch behind me and the floor surrounding me. Chewy is restless, but keeps coming over to lick me and check up on me. he needs to go for a walk. i can't do it. i can't leave the house. doc thinks that i've been taking Chewy out twice a day and I've just been letting him out to run the neighborhood. because i can't make myself leave the house. so on top of everything, i am a liar and a bad mommy.

it's been a year since that bitch moved in here for two months. i'd love to forget, but i have all these fucking bugs. my new bed is infested. along with my pillow, which i have been sleeping on. i'm too grossed out. we found a thing online about silica cat litter, a coffee grinder and pepper shakers. we have to cover everything with the silica dust. all the furniture all my clothes all the linens all the pillows. i don't care about my bed, i sleep on the couch anyway mostly. i'll be moving into a place with a bed. i'm not trying to drag around furniture.

no, i haven't talked to Kelli about any of this. She has her own thing going on right now, and I've taken enough from her over the years. And I have nothing to give, so I'm just going to avoid her while i do all of this life changing.

i keep writing thinking i will write my way out of this. but i won't. i can't. but that doesn't mean i won't keep trying.

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