Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

i'm just so there

so doc is numb. okay. he's mad about the animals. he explained why he can never love me the way i want him to. i understand. i do. i get it. i kind of got it before he explained it, but he made it clear. he said he cares about me, though. yeah. great. so does the dog.

we fought over zenweb.net. it's about to expire. i've owned it for some 15 years. i could change my email over to my gmail account and just let zenweb.net lapse. the only point in having it is kelli's site, and i can just give her fabulousdisaster.com until it expires. let that be her site. i got rid of McAfee so i can update my site now. i can just put her new site up in place of mine that is up right now.

it's just so old, you know? i can't watch the bad people win anymore. i can't deal with what reality is. i can't see more fucked up people with all the love in the world. i can't keep hearing about how a parent's love is unconditional, when that just isn't true. and if it's true with everyone else, why not with me? why am I the unlovable one? why did i get the marriage that is a business arrangement? what made me agree with it? i thought i could make him love me? wow, i am irretrievably stupid.

and my capacity to lie to myself and those around me just bolsters the unhealthiness of where i am at. i'm never going to get better here. he's never going to love me because i am never going to get better. there, that's the truth of it. my parent's were right. no one will want me, i am damaged.

okay this doesn't come from a place of self pity. i'm not there. i'm feeling almost solid after the decision. i want to go back on haldol if i have to do this. i don't want to be aware of time passing if this is the way it must pass. i'll just go back on haldol and i'll never know what happened.

i guess this is where you go when you aren't crazy enough to kill yourself. as long as society holds together, i can have a place to live and food to eat. too bad medicare doesn't cover dentures, i could get my teeth back and try to get a job. i'm sure i can get them through another charity eventually. or not. whatever.

i'm just shutting down. going inside. i don't even know if i'll keep talking. i'm just so tired of it all. you know, because, fuck it. i've been fighting for a long time. been waiting for life's knockout punch, but that isn't coming. life is just going to wear me down until i'm too tired to fight back. i'm there. i'm just so there.

i never thought giving up would be like this. there is untold fear of the unknown, but there is a relief. suicide is a really stressful thing. at least it always was the way i did it. it wasn't like this. i can get sleep like this. i finally got some sleep.

ignore all my tweets from yesterday. the whole Bundy Ranch abortion in the news is what triggered this, somehow, but my tweets about it won't give any insight. just show a lot of rage.

how much more of this mindless animation on fox do i have to watch before Cosmos comes on?
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