Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

catharsis

i made the decision today. and i finally told doc. it's time to walk away from this while he is still young. i'm not going to get what i want out of this relationship, and i can't handle any more pretending/trying.

this leaves me with the ultimate choice. staying in a loveless marriage that is going downhill, or give up my worldly possessions and pets and finding a long term group home that i can just trade my SSI check for room/board.

the only places on the web are resort type places for the rich to go and get away from it all. that's not what i'm talking about. and i know it. i'm talking about spending the next thirty some years living with crazy strangers in a stranger's home with no money or freedom or possessions. giving up my art entirely. maybe being able to keep some of my notebooks and keep writing.

so when i see my doctor in two weeks, i will ask him to come up with some recommendations. if i have to, i will go stay in the hospital long enough to hook up with a social worker.

i should be able to get food stamps once doc and i are divorced. so i can contribute that to wherever i end up living.

i just don't know what i'm going to do with all of the animals. and i have to get my paperwork from SSI changed over to another guardian, presumably the owner of the group home i'll be living in.

thanks to the bedbugs, everything cloth i own is garbage, so no problem getting rid of my stuffed animals and tigger collection and vintage clothes. it's just stuff, right. my art supplies i can sell off on ebay and give the cash to doc to finish out my rent for the lease here. though it may take until the end of the lease to get the paperwork sorted out. doc can keep all of my electronics, and whatever books and trinkets he wants. the rest gets thrown away. i don't even have any friends to give it away to.

this is by far and away the most terrifying thing i have ever had to do. but it has to be done before this goes any further. i'm sick and bloody tired of waiting around for the people who are supposed to love me to actually love me. i just want to be alone.

in a semi-related note, i am committing Twitter-cide. Making my account inactive. Signing in as Circus Catimus and not reading, just posting as the animals for as long as i have them for. my last hurrah. i guess i should work on the photo book and see if maybe that can sell (HA!) and get me the money i'm going to need for doc.
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