i hate this. i hate being me. i wish i was never born. the whole of my life has been a living abortion, 45 years long. doc is the only person who cares here. and no one will let him help me. the doctor even seemed resentful that doc was in the appointment with us. considering i couldn't remember if i had siblings, this was a good thing.
i hate him already. i think he's used to handing out prozac scripts instead of getting to know his patients and what is wrong with them. but i knew that was what i was going to get with a medicare doctor. they dont care about the patients. we are numbers with dollar signs, and the more he sees, the more money he gets. unlike with private practice, results aren't important. there is no treatment goal here. and with a ten minute interview on where i lived and if i had pets and a writing of a script . . . nice. whatever.
i guess i don't want to get better anymore. i can't. i'm on my own with doc. and he wouldn't listen to doc. doc is my legal guardian and my all around care giver - you have to listen to him.
i have to try to get my records from my last doctor to send to this new one. maybe, just maybe, he will read my case history and know that i know he was lying when he said he couldn't prescribe the dose of xanax i asked for. he will see i was on it for three years. he will see how many times i hurt myself.
i fucing hate this. i'm crying again. i can't stop crying. doc got me cola, and that should make me happy, but it tastes like bile in my mouth.
the cats are ganging up on me and making it hard to type.