that's my new plan. i'll probably start on it this morning. but i really need to go back and finish at least one long term project that i have going. i'm so bad at follow through. i always have been. my parents were fond of pointing it out, but never did anything to change it but admonish me. Note to parents: that doesn't help. It makes you feel better, but it doesn't help your kid learn anything or improve themselves. don't treat your kids like little adults that bug you. teach them. then you won't end up with a kid like me.
i'm out of anti-psychotics. for the first time in two years. i'm very afraid. doc said he'd up the weed dose to help me, and then left without giving me any for the night/morning. so i'm afraid and i'm angry and i'm sober and i'm half unmedicated. i just want to hold reality together. stay inside my own body. not lose control of the situation. stay out of the hospital. at all costs, stay out of the hospital. if i start talking about wanting to go to the hospital, things are bad. i don't want things to get bad.
so i'm not going to pressure myself right now. i'm not going to be hard on myself. i'm not going to let him pressure me, either. stress makes us lose it. i'm not going to lose it.
it's been a while since i was actually face to face with my illness. since i've not been going to the doctor and just taking meds and staying steady. i've been able to ignore that i'm mentally ill. now i have to look at it again. fuck.
and i have to admit, i've been thinking lately, things have been going so well, maybe i got better and i don't need my meds anymore. i would never actually stop taking my meds, all i have to do is go read one of my hospital journals, scribbled out in golf pencil, to remind me. no news. one cigarette every two hours. sugar free lemon ade. coffee, decaf, once a day. no. no. no. no.
i just want everything to go smoothly. no snakes in the carpet. let's just get through the next two weeks, through my doctor appointment and the shipping of the meds. it's only two weeks. time goes quick, it won't be hard. i tell myself.