Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

i feel so helpless.

I was watching Pink's Truth About Love concert and I started to wonder if I had it in me to make my body look like that. I mean, there would be differences, I can get my stomach completely flat. And no matter how much I work out, I will still have big floppy tits. But could I do that? Would I be any happier? I figure I'll try it. While I'm trying to lose weight anyway, I may as well take it the next step. And when I walk Chewy, I'll take him to and around the park to get some extra exercise. That will help my butt not completely disappear, as it does when I get thin. This will give me something to do. I'll just watch the concert every day to get inspired. I wouldn't dress the way she dresses, I hate the way she dresses. I would still be a jeans and tshirt girl.

the whole weekend was a wash. i called kelli yesterday, but slept through times to call her today. doc is looking into the whole phone/tablet thing. if we can afford to spend more on his bill every month, then we can do it. i don't have high hopes.

I archived and labeled absolutely everything today. It was all i could handle on the computer. i have a poetry contest to judge, the anticipated slam contest. it had some last minute entries that i've not read yet. so i'm looking forward to that.

i'm in a music and tears place right now. so I'm listening to music that isn't necessarily inspiring, but pulls my emotions out and plays roughly with them.

"pulls my emotions out and plays roughly with them," - that's good. really good. someone should write that down. i'll use that in something today, i promise. a piece of clever like that shouldn't be wasted.

my debate partner on the poetry site stopped responding to me. bummer. i was enjoying the challenge, he was hyper-literate. just composing sentences was a challenge.

is there software that will turn one's computer into a synthesizer? or do I have to actually find myself a synthesizer? i don't know if i can make music. i don't have any illusions here about this. i just want to mess around with beats and my poems and stuff.

i broke down and got Adobe Premier. I don't see it taking over Windows Live Movie Maker any time sooner, but I thought I'd see what it could do. I just learned how to use Movie Maker, after all.

i can't cry anymore right now, i need a cigarette and a break from this husky voiced siren.

nope, no better. it's all about Kelli. i can't do anything to help her. i can't give her a new job, or even help her find one. all i can do is her site and she's about given up on that. she needs a big change in her life, a good one. too many bad changes have come her way lately. i don't like it at all. i can't even take her out for a drink and talk to her. i have to talk to her on the phone, and that seems a poor substitute for her. she's in a place i've never seen her in before. i've seen her in the dark forest, where only the witches go. but this is a different place. some nine inch nails is not going to help this one. i feel so helpless.
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