I feel like shit. My hormones are tearing me apart this month. I don't want to do anything. Not even sleep or just lay down and mope. Moping is not helping. Nothing is. Will Midol help my psychopathy?
I started writing a poem, but it may be a story, or an essay, or a narrative of nothing. I don't know, I can't stay with it long. I keep leaving and going back to it. It has to be written, it is rattling around in my head, it just seems to have no end. It just keeps going on with no real point. It will probably be my masterpiece.
Maybe going out and taking the chainsaw to the palm trees will help me. I have to wait until Doc gets home. There is no way I am using a chainsaw while I am home alone.
There is nothing to clean. I did it all yesterday while Doc was out getting the truck serviced. And he didn't make a new mess.
I don't want to eat. I don't want to sleep. All I want to do is sit outside and chain smoke. That's how I deal with this in the summer, I just go outside and sit and think about nothing at all. But I can't go outside, and the thoughts in my head are insisting that I write them down every few minutes. Even though they mean nothing at all.
later . . .
much later . . .
i have a cute little terrier
if he were bigger,
he'd be scarier.
misery and hopelessness. this will end in a day or so, right? my cycles have been running three days, tomorrow is day three, this should be over with, right?
Major has taken to carrying around a pink stuffed rabbit in his mouth while he is wandering through the house meowling. I really don't understand this creature. He is becoming ever more affectionate with me while still being terrified of Doc. His favorite place to sit is in my spot on the couch that I've been camping out in. Every time I get up, and I mean every time, he gets up into that spot. Every time, I kick him off the couch. Sometimes i pick him up and put him on my lap and cuddle him for ten minutes. I think that's why he keeps getting up there, because he figures one in five times he will get snuggles. He's stubborn that way. He still makes a lot of noise, but he has calmed down a lot. He will shut up when urged, if Doc is sleeping on the couch. Which is more than Felix will do. The more you tell him to hush, the louder he gets.
I didn't go at the palm trees today. Doc went out with his friends who are in town and I took the dog for a long walk and then came back and laid down. I thought the dog walk would make me feel better, I tried to keep walking until I felt better and that just never happened. Then I realized I'd let the dog lead and had little to no clue where we were. So I had to stifle the panic and let the dog lead back until I knew where I was. I never did finish that poem I was working on. Maybe I'll work on it in the morning when I can recapture the mood.
i think i'm going to lay back down and listen to Rachel Maddow and wait for the morning news shows to start on the east coast. Then, I'll pour myself a nice big mug of cola and maybe eat something for the first time in three days. This could be exacerbated by low blood sugar. I'll read a couple ore news articles first.
There was a new entry to my so-you-think-you're-special contest. The first few lines, they seem to be challenging my hypothesis. I'll read it with an open mind, I'm not judging anyone on their politics, just their poetic talent, as I see it. They did call me "Mister" Buffers, though, which caught me off guard. I guess the lilac combat boots in my avatar don't give away that I'm a girl. Or maybe they just assumed I was a commie fag. I won't actually know until I read it. Ah, what the hell, I'll go read it.
*sigh* . . . it was neither confirming or denying my hypothesis. It had to do with the poet being special because Darwin said so. How boring. That quote was used in the article I linked. I KNOW we're special because we are unique and all of that. What I wanted to know was how the poet felt about the religious right feeling everything is their God-given right, and to take away god is to take away their sense of specialness because why would we be here if not specially created at the whim of a higher being? I guess I was looking for something deeper, something political, something snappy showing that they read the article and thought about it and let it take them where it would. isn't that the point?
I guess next time I'll just post a list of words.
People are so very dense. How can all of this information be at our fingertips and people still be growing stupider? I am really slammed by that. Every day I am on Google, looking up a word, a location, a theory. Any time I question something, I Google it. What is stopping the rest of the world from doing that? We put out all this information and it seems like no one is bothering to look at it. How many times am I asked on Facespace if i am married? The answer is posted plainly. Why ask and show you are too stupid or lazy to read. I put it there so you wouldn't have to bother me with the question. The information is out there, people. Don't know what "pwn" means? Look it up. Thats why Urban Dictionary is there. Don't announce you're stupid.
There is this guy on Facespace that I don't remember from high school that constantly comments on articles i share, saying he doesn't get it and asking for more information. READ the article, go to the links in the article, do a web search on the highlights of the article. Do exactly what I did when the article wasn't enough for me. And to be even more annoying, he won't read the links I provide with more info. He wants me to spell it out so he can take it apart with talking points that have no basis. He doesn't read the articles because you can't argue with an article. So he argues with me. And loses every time. Looking like a douche. Even Kelli asked me who he was and what his problem with me was. I honesty don't know. I have no memory of his name at all, and I don't know where my yearbook is to look him up. I have no idea if I have wronged him in some way and he is getting even or if we always had such a contentious relationship. I can't remember a LOT of high school. I went to so many, they just kind of blend together.
I'm in the middle of a pedantic debate over the merits of poetry community sites versus having your own site and trying to get discovered or interaction from an audience, or even an audience. He belongs to some poetry site I won't link here that gives him a completely inflated set of statistics that tell him 7,000 unique visitors are coming to his poems a month. That many people aren't reading Maya Angelou at that rate. Doesn't happen. I'm trying to tell him the realities, but have come to understand he, as well, just wants someone to argue with and has chosen me as a sparring partner. I'm about to nail him to the wall in a public forum, though. It has come down to him all but saying that he just wants people to comment on and read and review his work, but he doesn't want to do it for anyone else. All take. Typical poet. And he called my art "funky and abstract", in a bad way. Which pissed me off. And he tried to draw a comparison between my poetry and my art, and he is really unfamiliar with one or the other, because there are no parallels. My art is a completely different expression of my feelings than my poetry.
But I'm enjoying engaging with him. I have been advised by other members of the site that he is kind of like Sheldon from the "Big Bang Theory". No social sense at all. Everything fits in his logical little world and he simply doesn't see why or that the real world operates differently from his myopic vision of things.
The big controversy is this: apparently the poetry site had a major revamp recently and some of the functions and features weren't carried over to the new design for whatever reasons. Meanwhile, new functions and features were added to enhance interactivity between the poets and their art. He is one of the old guard that doesn't like the new site, but can't quite say why, except for listing niggling little things that don't matter to the site's purpose, functionality, or anything, really. They just aren't there anymore, and in his mind they should be. I always bristle at people who obsess over site revamps. (oh, and the old site is still available to use, so i doubly don't get why this is a problem) Sure, I hate most of the stuff Facespace does, and I might bitch about it initially, but I don't obsess over it. And I get why they're doing it. I get why Kevin, the owner of allpoetry, wanted to do the things he did. I think. It was to get people working with each other instead of all off in their own separate bubbles. This is ultimately great for an artistic community. And that is the point I am trying to get across to this guy while he is going on about how old comments are no longer viewable. What?
Oh, I found a shrink! I have an appointment about the same time I will run out of meds. I finally said "fuck it," and went to the medicare site and found one who accepts medicare. I can't find one in our health insurance network, so medicare it is. There will be issues with billing that we will have to fight through, medicare is not the primary payer and the doctor's office will fight with Aetna to get paid first and that will result in ugliness from Aetna and the doctor's office. But it has to be done this way. I can't go on paying $180 for my appointments. That takes up all my medication money and my food money and my bill money and don't you know I have to buy toilet paper and tampons? Too much!
The OKCupid stuff has calmed down since i put the thing about my teeth in the profile. Apparently some people actually read those things. So I know when I start talking to someone, they already know and they don't give a shit. The people who don't give a shit, those are the people I want to be around. If you care about my teeth, I care about your penis size, even though it isn't mine, it has nothing to do with me and I have no plans to use it.