Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

i can't stop myself rambling tonight.

yes, i'm putting off working. nice hot shower and freshly shaved legs. more coffee. not as much as before, but a little bit more. i have raspberry tea to drink today when i'm done with this cup, which i will be before it's finished.

i just sent my "you said you wanted to meet me, what about my profile interested you, you seem interesting, short personal blurb here" messages to my personal ad respondents. i think most of them are clicking the "i want to meet you" button before actually looking at my profile. so they are not seeing the no sex thing. then i send them the message, they have to look at my profile if they want to go any further, so they do, and they see the no sex thing and then i never hear from them again. apparently men are focused, you take sex off the table and there is nothing left for them. that's a damn shame. not surprising, but still a shame. i want some one to take me out!

i asked doc about First Friday this week since we couldn't go to the Stratosphere (it was cloudy, windy and 38 degrees on the ground, i don't want to think how bad it was that high up in the air). he jokingly asked if i'd found a boyfriend yet to take me to these things. doc is a homebody. and i don't blame him. i would rather hang out in our house than anyone else's because our house was designed by us to be comfortable and easy. but i do like to go out, i think, i want to go out at least. i want to try it. i seem to be over my agoraphobia now.

that's another thing, in the last six months there has been a great decrease in my symptoms. and i think a lot of it has to do with the idea that we are no longer treating me like i am sick. i can't remember the last time i hallucinated was. watch, it was all in my head, created and exacerbated by how i treated myself and was treated. wouldn't that be a kick in the teeth? actually, i stilll have some problems, and i have to take my meds, i mean i Have to or i go all squirrelly. and there are situations i still can't deal with for long.

doc suggested something as simple as a slight case of Asberger's. and the isolation of that and some added neurosis leading to the depression and psychosis. interesting. need to look into that. that would be a lot better than schizophrenia or schizo-affective disorder with manic depression. because i've still never been classically manic. i've been hyper for a couple of hours, but nothing like they say in the diagnosis books and articles. and i never got dangerous to anyone else in my psychosis. and i don't feel dangerous to myself anymore.

i do need to find a doctor soon. i'm going to run out of meds. i wish i could just get them online from canada. my doctor moved litterally across the valley, a 45 minute drive, in the truck, not even on the scooter. can't go on the scooter, need the freeway. and we owe him $400 from last year. i never met my deductible. damn deductible, you may as not have insurance for the first $1000. or whatever. it's higher through the exchanges, the deductibles are crazy with those plans. i can't afford $1000 in medical expenses after i take out the money to pay for insurance. i can either pay the premium or the deductible.

since the newer psych meds aren't covered by my company, and i don't take my yearly holiday in the crazy hospital, and the deductible keeps the insurance from paying for the 4 psych appointments every year, the money is completely wasted. it was last year and the year before. i didn't get glasses, i didn't get any "women's" care, i didn't get any dentistry done. and i only bought three months worth of meds, the rest of them have been free from another source for the year. so i paid a couple thousand dollars for nothing. nothing at all. the trip to the hospital for chest pains was out of network, $5000 deductible. there are no hospitals in network here in town. the following trip to the urgent care to find out what was really going on with the chest pains was covered by medicare. so yeah, my entire insurance premium is 5 times what i owe my shrink. and somehow i feel raw and chafed.

bottom line is, i can't go back to that shrink until i pay him, and i can't afford to do that. i really need a rich relative to crawl out of the woodwork and die. so i need to find another shrink. i know from research that there are no in-network shrinks taking new patients this year. so i am stuck with an out of network doctor, $5000 deductible. no appointments will be covered this year. i will be paying $180 cash per 15 minute appointment.

Yeah, Obamacare is wonderful. if you get ill or hurt. but for general maintenance, the ACA and the way companies have reacted to it fucks the every day, run of the mill, mildly mentally ill, in need of medication and monitoring person. i am most unhappy. i can't afford to go to the doctor because every spare penny is going to pay for doctors i will probably never have. feeling raw and chafed.

time to work. wastededucation mentioned mobile accessibility for the new website, i need to look into what i need to do. if i need to i will design a special site just for phone. if i can. not that i think you should view my site on a phone, i just can't afford to be elitist. i want exposure and cutting off mobile viewers is just stupid.

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