Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

weak, pussy, pathetic poetry

i didn't sleep last night. i slept this morning from 6-8. that was it. so i wasn't up for going to see my grandma, i was a mess. all emotional and volatile and not for public consumption. i tried calling her a couple of times, but couldn't get a hold of her. i finally went to sleep around4pm and she called around 6. i told her i couldn't sleep and i'd be there tomorrow. she said that was okay.

i fell NO judgement from her, just love and acceptance. tomorrow, i'm wearing jeans and a sweater and my doc martens. and a kangaroo hat. not a hat of a kangaroo, the brand. i don't think she'll mind. my two dresses are too tight in the chest, and all my skirts are meant to be worn with my tank tops. it's warm here, but not that warm. i'm just not used to feeling this around a family member. so strange. so cool. i can't wait to see her tomorrow. i'm going to take some pictures of the animals, her great-grand-furbabies.

i've been writing horrible poetry and deleting it all day. weak, pussy, pathetic poetry. some of it even rhymed. it was a horror show.

now it's Gaga time. i can't handle this mood and confusion anymore. i thought punk would pull me out of it. oh no. that just grabbed hold of nostalgia and dragged me on a trip through high school and college, and that is a ride that no one wants to go on. so i decided to go with something new, something that is just mine. Gaga. i've been watching interviews and performances of hers for the last hour i've been awake. i was watching some of her earlier videos, like "Born this Way" and i'm glad she gained weight. she had a nice, boyish figure, but now she's more the Lady. she looked too much like a kid all skinned out. now she has curves and is more la diva.

i'm about to go out to the studio, blast Gaga and dance my tucus off. (odd, the dictionary doesn't include Yiddish, i really need one that does)

i get this email from my brother today: "will you add (redacted) on livejournal... i want to be able to see the entries i'm blocked from  it's very irking." . . . hahahaha. so i figured out where the friend adding error was occurring and worked around it to add him and Beezuschrist. finally. i thought i had. anyway.

doc is still hesitant about the emails. he's afraid it could be my mom fucking with me. i just have a feeling it's not. i've been wrong before. but i'm pretty sure this is my brother. and i'm so desperate to grasp some kind of family . . . i'm not exactly being smart about this. but i'm not known for common sense. never have been.

if doc wakes up he's going to think i'm having a seizure. i'm sitting here dancing and shaking my head to the music on my headphones. can't help but move to this music. go ahead, try it. i dare you.

but why did she have to do a song with that dirtbag, R Kelly? and it isn't the coolest song, i don't really like it. i skip it every time i listen to the CD.

my mind is all over the pavement tonight.

i feel a compulsion to learn something new in Photoshop tonight. I think i'll go do that. change a color image to duotone and then fill the black with something nice. i have a tutorial on how to do the latter half. i just need to learn how to do the first part. the duotone option is always greyed out when i go to use it for some reason. if i have to, i will send an image through ChillCam's duotone filter and do it that way. i have little hacks. not easy ones, so maybe they don't qualify as efficient hacks, but i can get around things when i have to.

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