Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

yeah, i just love that woman.

i've got to get my shit together. i can't be like this. i've spent all day crying and being hopeless. that's enough. tomorrow i have to be at my best if i'm going to wade into a family hospital situation. i need to have it together. i can't let these people see me weak. and i have to hope my mother isn't there. she'll have to work. i will want so hard to slap her.

i gave up thinking up ways to hurt my mother in my dark fantasies. she has no feelings. there is nothing i could do. when i ran away from home they had me arrested. they tried to get the courts to take me and put me in foster care. the judge said he couldn't do it on a first offense, but would consider it if i ran away again. i never ran away again. no matter how many times they suggested it. i didn't do drugs until i was 17. i ran away when i was 15. somehow this is all important.

i wonder how it would have looked to the adoption agency they got the kids from if they had a child in foster care. too bad they couldn't throw away the one they made and replace her with the ones they bought. they had to keep me around. that must have hurt. if they could be hurt.

so when i called the hospital, i couldn't get any information on my Nana. After i told the nurse i was Nana's granddaughter, she told me i needed a password the family had agreed on to get any information on her condition. There was no answer in her room.

i didn't make it out to the tree. i'm still waiting to hear from Kelly if it is marked, or where in the park it is. i didn't hear from him today. if it is him. doc still suspects it's my mom trying to fuck with me. if she's that bored, i guess i'll play the game. whatever. i'm just a thing.

why couldn't it have been my dad that had the stroke? why my nana? or my mom, though i am hoping for a painful and drawn out heart attack with her. lots of shocks and tubes and needles. hopefully with me there laughing harder at each shock. until she finally, without a heartbeat, rises up from the table and massacres the hospital. yeah, i just love that woman.
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