Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers

yeah, that's me. lucky.

today i have asked doc to take me to the tree. what tree? why, the tree my parents had dedicated to my sister after her death in the park behind their house. i was told there was no memorial. i was told a lot of things. i was not told a whole lot more. but i know about the tree now, and i think i'm done crying over the betrayal of it. i think now i'm just crying because the pain of Kasey's death seems so fresh behind this new information.

Kelly said he doesn't go to the tree because he doesn't want the family seeing him. I don't care if they see me. i hope they do. if they approach me i will assault them physically and brutally. or maybe i won't. maybe i'll just ignore them. maybe they are too afraid of me to get near me. maybe they just won't care. or maybe they would be really mad that i know about it and they have to share it with me.

i really am consumed with hate.

i'm calm now. deadly calm. walk to my parent's house in the dark and kill them in their sleep, calm. destroy my father's life calm. i'm going to do something nasty on the internet having to do with them. i don't know what, yet. probably just post a "wanted" page for my father, the rapist. i don't know what to do for my mother.

we've come to the conclusion they completely lack empathy. they are sociopaths. There are likely heads in the freezer and that's why they don't want me around. why am i still struggling with this? why does any new betrayal or lie surprise me anymore?

i was told by my sister, Karlee, that there was no memorial. she lied to me too. bitch. vile little bitch. i'm glad she dumped me on facespace, saves me the trouble. i hope i never hear from her again. she's just as bad as my mom. throwing her psychiatric treatment in my face, oh look, i'm better from the abuse now, my doctor cleared me and took me off the meds. goody for you. fuck you.

all i did was be born. that is all i did to them. they declared war on me from conception. my mom took horrible care of herself while pregnant with me. i guess she was hoping god would get her out of the mess her twat got her into. bummer that didn't happen. i've spent most of today wishing i was never born.

so doc and i are going to get on the scooter and go to Foxridge park and look for the tree. i'm assuming it's marked, they are too vain just to do something nice and not get the credit for it. then i'm going to sit under the tree and cry. i'm going to explain to my sister that i didn't mean to stay away so long. that i am here now.

god, i can't believe they kept that from me! and that my sister was complicit in it. how i hate them all.

i'm having a hard time not hating Kelly because he believes everything they told him about me. i never did anything to them but follow their directions. why? why do they do this to me? i was just a child!

there is nothing i can think of that i could do, with or without the boundaries of law, that would hurt them as much as they have hurt me. because they have no feelings. there is no hurting them. they are bulletproof. and all i want to do is hurt them. both of them.

she was my sister, too. i was the one who took care of her. i was the one who called a friend when my mom's dog bit Kasey's face when no one was home and i had no car to take her to the doctor. i was the one who fed her and changed her and watched her. i combed and braided her hair when my mom didn't have the patience. it was me. and they took her away from me. the closest thing i would ever have to my own child, and they took her away from me and tried to keep my mourning separate and alone.

i know it's just a fucking tree. but it's what it represents. it is a monument to the lies and hate they have toward me as much as it is a monument to a life lost because of them.

i'm just so devoid of anything good right now. i am a monument to pain and anger.

this is NOT how it is supposed to be. the whole world has been lying to me this whole time, your parents are not supposed to love you. they are supposed to discipline and use you as cheap labor. parental love is a societal lie. it doesn't really happen. people just lie about it and pretend. i guess i'm lucky i don't have to pretend.

yeah, that's me. lucky.

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