i plan to, if possible, make a flash player that can play my mp3's and videos. i don't like having the mp3's downloadable anymore. if someone wants one to mix with, let them email me and ask me. i will give it up. if they want them badly enough, they can buy them when i make them available. i just wish i had more control over it. the work from "Stop Poking Me, Lady" is everywhere, on every dinky mp3 downloading site. i don't like that anymore because i'm not always properly credited, or the pieces don't lead back to fabulousdisaster.com. i didn't care at one point, i care now. i can't undo what's been done, and i don't want to. but i do want to control things more from here on out.
so today is the last day to see my Nana. i know i said i wouldn't think about it, but this thing with possibly Kelly and the emails has me in family nostalgia web of hate and sadness. doc suggested i call last night, and talk to her. but they would not let me if i did. and they won't let her pick up the phone if it's me (damn you, caller ID). doc suggested what i thought of, that we go kidnap her. then we broke down with the idea of taking my step stool for taking things off the 7' shelves, to get her up into the truck. right. we laughed pretty hard.
so what i'm going to do is call her this weekend when she gets home. tell her i'm sorry i missed her but my parents and i just couldn't coordinate a time. i can't believe, unless something drastic happens, that i'm not going to get to see her again, when she is within walking distance. and my stupid mother went out of the way to mention that she was here. she didn't have to do that, she could have kept her passive aggressive mouth shut. stupid cow. no, it's my fault for contacting them in the first place. i remember how optimistic i was about it a month ago. ha!
so (i plan to start every paragraph with "so" from now on), i am officially depressed. i slept all day yesterday. i couldn't be with doc. i couldn't talk to him. i called kelli, but that only helped while we were on the phone.
i JUST found the las vegas poets site. i'm so dumb. it's only been around for 10 years. i also joined the group on meetup. now i know when and where all the readings are around town. and they are everywhere, all the time now. i need a friend to go with me. i can't do it alone, i have faced that. maybe i should put an ad in craigslist for a companion not opposed to a lot of bad poetry. but i could perform 12 times a month, if i wanted. and i want to. i want to hit the scene like a storm, like i did before.
i want teeth. *sigh*
i'm going to go lay down or read or something. probably lay down. it's not time to take my meds yet. i'll feel better when i take my meds. i hope. i hate this. i used to wallow in it and now i hate every damn second. i can see out of it, i just can't seem to claw my way up and out of it.