Cydniey Buffers (cydniey) wrote,
Cydniey Buffers
cydniey

i can't see me being loud, but i like to have the option open to me

will this be the year something finally happens? it seems like it's building up to it. cosmic energy, i mean. the GOP has gone off the rails, the Pope is . . . i don't know what he is, but it's cool. it just seems like something momentous is going to happen this year. maybe it's just me and my hypersensitivity to the news.

i guess i'm just hoping the liberals win one for the country this year. i know, we've got the senate and the white house, but it hasn't helped anything. we need to squash the teabillies. of course, the republicans may do that for us, but i don't think they will. the teabillies yell loudest and so it's more convincing. they keep screaming they are standing for the people. someone besides the powerless needs to realize that they aren't, they are lying. they've blackmailed congress, they've blackmailed the country with the shut down. they are liars and rogues, and that is NOT a good thing.

i'm on a tear this morning. i woke up in a mood. i never went fully to sleep, Felix and Chewy had other ideas. they fought over me all night. well from 1:30 to 4:30 am.

this was Evie's first xmas with us, but not her first xmas. she watched the presents carefully and as soon as the first sheet of wrapping paper hit the floor, she was all over it. she hasn't even gone out, she's been on that paper, playing with one of her new mousies.

Kelli always sends cat toys for xmas, and somehow she always knows just what to get for them. for example: two days ago i finally threw away the sisal wrapped mousie they had because they had unwrapped it and it was now a really skinny snake with a mouse form attached at one end. and Chewy ate the last of their rabbit fur mousies. and that's what kelli sent. rabbit fur mousies, which they all like. a sisal wrapped mouse, which Tulip was very happy to have back, and a ball with a bell in it, that is Vader's passion. last year she sent sparkly balls, that were Freddie's favorite. she's got a psychic connection to my cats, it's freaky.

i haven't painted yet. now that i have the paints and can use them, i'm afraid of wasting them. i know. i know. just paint. i will today maybe. spread out on the dining room table and play with a canvas and the altered book. the colors are pretty and i will have fun using them. but part of me can't wait until i just get huge tubes of primary colors and i can more easily mix my own colors. it will be fun to play with all the little tubes. and they are all arranged in a rainbow in the box, delicious. things only my mom had when i was a kid. she would buy paint sets and ink sets and new markers and huge sets of crayons and never let me use them. to this day, i buy each new Crayola marker and crayon when it goes on sale. and true to form, i don't use them, i just take them out and play with them and look at them and smell them. i'm weird that way.

oh, man, Shutterfly got wise to me. they kept giving me free stuff and i never bought anything from them except for the odd extra page in a photo book or extra pictures along with a free offer. now they only send me 40% off offers. drat. those books are expensive and i can't justify the expense. especially because the next one i was going to make was going to be all selfies. i don't know why. it's a nice way to save them. i would be the only person who would look through it, and make no mistake, i would look through it, i'm that vain.

i've been thinking about doing a book, a regular book, of poetry and photography. i no longer shy away from self-publishing or feel any stigma attached. i was never destined to be a best-selling author, i never fit into the book world. self-publishing was the only way for me, not because i am a bad writer and couldn't get published, but on the contrary, because i have been published and enjoyed, i'm just not commercially viable and that is all that matters in the book world. corporate art is all about commercial viability. i get that now, and i don't want to fit in to sell. i don't care if i sell, i want it available.

because . . . one day, someone will trip over my spoken word, or a poem on a board, and will want to read more. and upon reading more, they will want it all. and it will be there for them. and even though i'm not going through an established publishing house, i am going through the efforts of multiple drafts, i do the editing myself, i do the formatting and typing myself. it's all done by me but the printing and binding and that is done by a machine. i do all the work that matters.

i have so many cookies and so much candy, i don't know what to eat first and i end up eating nothing. i have a dish full of a variety of cookies on the table, a package of peanut butter oreos, dozens of packets of Sixlets, holiday colors, 2 dark chocolate-marshmallow santas and truffles, and caramel/chocolate coated popcorn and fudge (someone doc gave cookies to made him a ton of fudge) and i don't know what else. the past 20 christmases have been so barren . . . it's so weird, how a little effort made such a big difference, how a slight shift in attitude brought me all these friends and warm feelings and PRESENTS.

no, it's not all about the presents, it's about the sheer amount of FOOD people gave us. no, it's about how happy doc and i were yesterday. we didn't fight or disagree or misunderstand at all yesterday. even with that little hiccup with the Family (ungrateful fuckers), things went really well and doc was happy all day and all night. it was amazing. and it made me feel good to give gifts to others. i had to look hard to find people to give to, but i managed to do it and it all worked out. i hope N's kids like the movies, even if their dad is a monster douchenozzle.

i kept hoping they would show up drunk last night looking for doc to apologize. how i would tell them off three ways til tuesday. of course they didn't. they may have called or texted, he had messages waiting when he woke up, but i don't look at his texts unless he asks me to. those are his. and he trusts me. i can plug his phone into the laptop at anytime and download all his texts. but why bother? i'm sure i would be bored. reading scooter talk.

i guess they're playing a Best Of on Morning Joe. every time we come back from commercial, Mika has a different outfit on. either she's gone full on Gaga, or they are playing clips. and wow, it just doesn't matter what Al Gore is saying, his voice is so droning and so lulling that i can't follow his words. something is really awkward about the way he speaks. i can't believe he's a successful public speaker. i could be a public speaker. oh, wait i am.

speaking of, i think i'll record some more poems. i need to redesign the page i keep the links on, too. i was lazy and just put them at the end of the list i have, i need to rearrange it to put them at the top. so i'll record more while doc isn't in the house sleeping and i can be loud if i so desire. i can't see me being loud, but i like to have the option open to me.
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